Smart Car
by Doug Hawley
25: Fool
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Duke looked out his front
window while drinking coffee and was shocked to
see all three cars –Carl, Josie and Deuce in
pieces in the yard. He rushed out to
find what had happened. Before he
could get a close look at the debris, he heard
honking from the back of the house and all of the
cars assembled undamaged. They sang in
harmony “Fooled the fool, ha ha ha.
A happy Duke told the cars “That was a
really good joke, I believed it completely. How
did you do it?”
Josie volunteered “We had a human friend
fabricate parts of us and scatter them on the
yard. I guess that makes us the prank
winners.”
Duke smiled broadly and agreed “It sure does. As
a reward, I’ll do a two-hour comedy routine
to amuse all of you.”
Before the cars could react, Duke punched a
button on a remote and told them. “Just
to be sure that you stick around for my primo
material, I’ve used my gadget that
immobilizes and silences cars for blocks around.”
I won’t torture the readers as the cars were
tortured, but this should give you an idea:
“Why is a sick raptor against the law? Because
it is ill eagle.”
“I was asked what a broken off tree is
called, but I was stumped.”
“If you know the way to San Jose, you are
smarter than Dionne Warwick.”
Those were the good ones. Given the
level of abuse, even Duke’s silencer couldn’t
completely mute the groaning from the cars.
An hour and fifteen minutes into Duke’s
standup, an old woman who looked like Sheila, but
fifty years older, came out and asked, “What’s
up?”
Duke deactivated the immobilizer / silencer and
he and the cars asked “Who are you?”
The woman said “Don’t be silly Duke, I’m
Sheila.”
All the cars and Duke assumed that Sheila got
herself made up to look old. To test
it, Duke caressed her face which seemed
completely natural. Next, he grasped
her saggy butt which also seemed natural. That
got him a swift kick from ‘Sheila’.
“Sheila, what happened? How did
you age like that overnight?”
Sheila then came through the door laughing. “Meet
my grandmother for whom I’m named. Both
of us are Sheila. I snuck her into the
house last night so I could out fool you fools.”
Duke and the cars were more relieved than
irritated. The humans had some brandy,
and everyone was glad the pranks were over. Before
they could get comfortable, Deuce yelled “It’s
a meteor headed right for us.”
Indeed, a flaming round object was headed from
great altitude at speed. The people
jumped into Carl and they all started fleeing. Before
they could get far, the object from the sky
slowed and landed gently on the lawn.
A door started to creak open. The
people and cars had images of War Of The Worlds
and other extraterrestrial attacks, but their old
friend Eugene Springfield, a human billionaire
emerged. “What do you think of my
newest invention? I think with a
little tinkering, it will greatly advance space
exploration. If not that, it can be
used for special parties like today.”
Deuce told Eugene “Greatest prank of the day.”
The elder Sheila argued, no it was young Sheila.
Carl and Josie said, “We were best, and Duke
was lame.”
Duke threatened another hour of standup, which
caused the two cars to drop it.
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