Smart Car
by Doug Hawley
1: Introduction
I get into my car and am
greeted by “You’re looking good today
Duke. I see that your blood pressure has improved
and your pulse is a healthy 63.”
“Yes and you too are looking good Carl. I
see that you are freshly washed and lubed. Did
you do that last night?”
“Right, I was due for service, and I wanted
to look good for you. I didn’t want to
disturb you, so I took off without telling you.
Where do you want to go today?”
At that point, I spill coffee on my lap and
involuntarily yell “Hell!”
Carl asks “In order of distance from our
present location would that be Gresham Oregon;
Detroit, Michigan; or Capitol Hill in D.C.? I
should add that the garage door squeaks something
fearful. I’m afraid that is something I can’t
repair. You should have someone look at it.”
“I’m sorry Carl, I didn’t really
mean I wanted to go to Hell. I want to go to Fred
Meyers for a new belt. And I know I need to get
someone to work on the garage door, thank you.”
The car shudders and Carl says “Do you mind
if we go a little out of the way. The direct
route is where we got T boned. I haven’t
gotten over the trauma yet.”
“OK, if you don’t have to go too far
out of our way.”
A few miles down the road, I notice that I’m
more comfortable than I have been in the driver’s
seat. “Say, did you do something to adjust
the seat, it feels better now.”
“Yes Duke, I did some measurements and
determined a better fit. I must say that I like
the feel of your butt.”
“Carl, I told you that I’m sensitive
about that. If you want to compliment my butt,
would you please use Carla’s voice?”
“Sorry Duke, but I’ve just about maxed
out my memory with all of your instructions.
Would you like me to delete accident avoidance to
make more room?”
“No I guess not. Talk about my butt in any
voice you like.”
Carl is silent for awhile, and then says “Duke
there is something I should tell you, but you may
not want to hear it. I can’t stand Jacqui’s
perfume, but that isn’t the worst of it.
While you were buying beer and left her in the
car, she called up her girlfriend Linda and
dumped on you a lot. Jacqui must have a lesser
car that is not as smart as I am and doesn’t
know I can listen in on conversations. She
mentioned your sloppy kisses, unwanted advances,
and pre-premature ejaculation, whatever that is.
Further, she said as long as she has Grant for a
lover, she would just use you for free food and
drink. Linda gave her her wholehearted approval.
There was more about hygiene and intelligence; do
you want to hear more?”
“No I think that’s too much information
already. Hey, I didn’t know that you could
hear the other side of phone conversations.”
“Oops, that was supposed to be my secret.”
I start to wonder if Carl isn’t shading the
truth a little. He hasn’t liked Jacqui since
she vomited on his seat covers, and she hasn’t
been that adverse to my advances.
Shortly thereafter I heard a staticy noise which
I knew meant that Carl was talking to another car.
“Why can’t I have premium gas? That
other car says that she gets premium.”
“The manufacturer says that you don’t
need premium.”
“Don’t make me mad Duke. You wouldn’t
like me mad.”
“Premium every other tank?”
“OK, but only because I like you. You do
want me to like you, don’t you?”
“Just hypothetically, is there any way that
I could turn down your intelligence?”
“Not that you will ever know.”
After I get my belt, I ask Carl to go to the
dealer that sold Jacqui her car. I don’t say
why but I should have known that Carl would
figure it out.
I should get out of the hospital in a couple of
weeks. Amazing how much damage to my body a
sudden stop without air bag deployment did
without any damage to Carl except for some of my
blood on the dash. My hospital stay doesn’t
bother me nearly as much as Carl’s words as
I got into the ambulance “I’ll be
waiting for you when you get out, Duke.”
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