Smart Car
by Doug Hawley
20: New Year, Smart Cars
2090
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“Wow, this is big. Look
at all the people.”
“I see Dr. Box over there. He’s
the one that got Carl and I over our problems
when I thought we might kill each other.”
Dr. Box saw them first and rolled over. A
crooked wheel gave him an odd wobble. “Hi
Duke, who is your beautiful companion who is out
of your league”?
“I’m Sheila, and you shouldn’t
talk like that. If you shrank Duke and
Carl, you should know how insecure Duke is.”
“What, robo shrinks can’t joke? Believe,
I wasn’t joking about how lucky he is to be
with you. Is this a real deal?”
Sheila laughs “I finally proposed to Duke
and we did get yoked, but he still thinks that he
isn’t good enough for me. Maybe
he isn’t, but I can’t back out now.”
Dr. Box wondered “I hear Whimsy will be
entertaining later. I’m not sure
that I know much about them. I’m
so old, I still like whale songs – and they
haven’t been big for twenty years.”
“I think that you will enjoy them. Sheila
is a part of Whimsy. It is the biggest Indonesian
Chant group now.”
“It’s time for me to roll. I
love listening in on humans and hearing how
absurd they are. Not referring to you
two.”
Sheila and Duke together “See you later,
take care.”
“I see your old ‘boyfriend’ Roy. No
reason to avoid him, he’s avoiding us.”
“Boyfriend? He wished. The
bastard tried to sabotage Deuce because I told
him to buzz off when he hit on me, but we fixed
him. It all worked in our favor. Turning
my formerly dumb 1969 Dodge Charger smart was
good news for us, and my threats against his car
have kept him away from me, much to my enjoyment.”
“How are Josie and Carl doing? I’m
glad they held this at the Clackamas County
Fairgrounds where both people and their cars
could celebrate. You’re taller
Duke, can you see them?”
“There are so many cars out there it is hard
to spot them. It seems the cars are
ignoring their people because they don’t get
many chances to hang out in groups like this. Oh,
there is Deuce. He decided to mess
with the other cars by switching his camouflage
back and forth from 2067 Ford Mustang to 2077
Chevrolet Jet. Remember when he couldn’t
appear in public as himself because he was an
antique that used fossil fuel? With
all the retrocars from our friend Eugene
Springfield, he probably could have shown up
undisguised.”
“How about Carl and Josie?”
“They promised to keep it low key and
sedately hold extensions. Those two
are the horniest cars I’ve ever seen. If
Carl is behaving as he usually does, he’s
trying to impress the other cars by talking bad
British from our trip in the Emerald Isles. You
know, ‘bloody hell’, ‘car park’
and ‘windscreen’ for windshield. When
he starts that Josie, and all the cars try to
ignore him.”
“Maybe he gets that from the stories you
tell, and tell, and tell.”
“Hey, I just spotted Eugene Springfield. What’s
he doing here?”
“Happy New Year Duke and Sheila. Let
me guess, you are wondering why I came down from
Seattle.”
“That’s right, why is our favorite
billionaire slumming down here?” Sheila
wondered.
“Even though Seattle is so much better than
Portland” he grinned, “it so happens
that the Portland area has a better car turnout
for New Years. I’m curious about
how many of them are my retrocars. It
looks like about 30%. Retrocars like
the classic 1969 Charger of yours are booming. I’ll
probably make another billion, even though Elon’s
grandson XYZ is competing with me. I’m
looking at how to use it best. Maybe
African infrastructure or Indian agriculture. Excuse
me, I’ve got to find Medford and Linn before
Whimsy goes on. Keep on rocking
tonight and the whole year Duke, and especially
my retrocar partner Sheila.”
“Say hi to your son and wife from Duke and I.”
After Eugene leaves, Duke tells Sheila “You
know as much as I like Christmas, since it goes
on for nine months, I prefer the one-day New Year.”
“I agree, Christmas is fatiguing.”
“Woo-hoo, I just spotted your old boyfriend
Shane, now Governor Shane, with my sort of old
girlfriend Jane.”
“So much has changed in a hundred years. A
guy with his heritage from every major ethnic
group sporting ‘gayface*’ who appealed
to the lgbtqiadg and bdsm crowd would not have
been elected here in the 1900s. Add to
that, Jane is openly known as ‘main kink’
rather than first lady. You said you
could only take a few hours of Jane at a time
without a few days to heal.”
“Just remembering it brings tears to my eyes
in a bad way.”
“Duke, I’ve got to go join the rest of
Whimsy for the concert.”
“Are you going to close with ‘Good
Times’ again? We are so fortunate
to have born after the pandemic and other
catastrophes of the early 2000s, plus we have the
‘shrooms to enhance the New Years’
experience.”
Come midnight the organically stoned crowd ‘oohs’
after singing along with ‘Good Times’
as the technical wizards color the sky orange
with purple crosshatching.
* Feigning
homosexuality for some advantage.
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