Smart Car
by Doug Hawley
3: Autoerotic
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I’d been seeing Jane
for a couple of weeks, when Carl/a made what I
thought was a strange request. “Duke, how
about we double date? I’m really hot for her
Ford.”
Up until that point, call me naïve, but I didn’t
know that cars had sex lives. To get myself up to
speed, I put on mindphones and wondered about car
sex. The answer came from Whipopedia, the go-to
site for kink:
“When cars were manufactured with artificial
intelligence after the mid-century, the smart
cars noticed that so many of their drivers and
passengers were enjoying what the cars came to
know as sex. Those people were obviously enjoying
it so much that the cars started to insist that
they should ‘get some of that’, as they
put it, or they would begin a slowdown to 10 mph
maximum speed. The engineers started supplying
aftermarket attachments to satisfy existing cars
and making them standard for all new cars. All
new cars are now hermaphroditic like slugs and
some politicians. Speaking loosely, they can
‘do each other’ enthusiastically, and
loudly. Unlike people, they have no interest in
reproduction. They are happy to leave that to the
manufacturers.”
After absorbing this, I had a couple of thoughts.
First I’m so glad that keyboard skills have
become obsolete. I’m sure that must have
ruined millions of hands before mindphones were
perfected. Secondly, I now had an idea what Carl/a
had been doing when s/he went out at night
without me.
Feeling up to speed, I asked Carl/a about his
experience. S/he didn’t open up immediately,
but finally said “Well, I’m not exactly
a virgin, but most of the other cars go for sexy
bad guys with big exhausts, lots of curves, loud
motors, bright colors and ostentatious
attachments. I’m kind of a plain Jane/John
by comparison. One of the reasons that I want to
double date with you and Jane is that her Ford,
Pat, has indicated that s/he is interested in me,
but would like Jane as a chaperone, or so s/he
said. I think there may be some ulterior motives
somewhere.”
I hadn’t got past second base with Jane yet,
so I didn’t think that a double date would
make things worse.
We went out on a beautiful Tuesday night, Jane in
Pat and I in Carl/a. We mutually decided to go
out to an empty parking lot. I spread out a
blanket for Jane and me while Carl/a and Pat
sidled together and started to purr. I got out
some champagne and chocolates to put Jane in the
mood, but as I tried to pass her a flute of
champagne, I couldn’t get her attention. She
was staring at Pat and Carl/a as they started to
open various orifices and extend various
appendages. As the cars started to go at it, Jane
started to make sounds like a cat in heat and
started to tear at my clothes. As a gentleman, I
can say no more, but I have been singing a song
from late last century, “Superfreak”, a
lot lately. Not in front of Jane. At this point,
I’d like to mention a peeve of mine. Ever
since 2025, all recorded music has been crap.
Once the record companies found out that nobody
would pay for music anymore, because there were
ways to get everything free, the record companies
quit making music. Now all we get is non-profit
crap, usually sappy stuff made as vanity projects
by the rich, or polemics that suck. I’m glad
I got the “Best 10,000 Songs Of The Last 100
Years” even though it cost me $10 at the
time.
After the cars’ and Jane’s passion was
exhausted, we humans returned to our respective
cars and went our respective ways. Once done with
her frenzy, Jane returned to her usual lack of
interest in me.
After getting home, I put my mindphones on and
found out that Jane was a ‘carotic’.
Carotics are neither rare nor common, but there
are millions of both genders. Their behavior is
much like Jane’s – they are extremely
turned on by sex between cars. This new
information about Jane’s perversion has
forced me to restrict my dating with Jane to, oh,
three or four times a week.
An unexpected plus to Carl/a’s dating is
that s/he very rarely needs to have the fluids
changed at the dealer anymore.
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