B.A.B.Y
Second Tour
part 3
by Will Nuessle
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Mission
Nine: Stealth Training
In order for
Bravo to attempt to catch up on her sleep, Alpha
will take over Delta duty at 0400. Five minutes
after Bravo returns to her bunk, Delta will
awaken and demand sustenance. Alpha is required
to traverse the creaky living-room floor multiple
times to heat water, put milk bottle in water and
remove said bottle all while soothing the baby.
Mission is considered a fail if Delta is not fed;
if Bravo is awakened; if Charlie is awakened or
if any neighbors call the police due to the
screaming. Mission is not considered a fail if,
subsequent to Delta’s successful feeding,
Alpha breaks down sobbing on the living-room
floor.[1]
Mission
Ten: Triple Duty
Fast forward
two months. As Bravo has only had two nights off
from infant care since Delta was born, Alpha will
volunteer to take over. With an evening Daddy
Boot Camp (DBC) and Bravo’s work schedule,
this somehow leaves Alpha in charge of one or
more children for thirty-six straight hours.
Besides the aforementioned DBC which Alpha will
be responsible to co-lead, he will also take both
children to Delta’s four-month doctor
appointment where the doctor will leave him
waiting in a small room with Charlie and Delta
for no less than one hour. Because Alpha cannot
fall asleep until after the baby has fed and
Delta will not feed until 0430, the thirty-six
hours will be accompanied by no more than three
hours’ sleep.
Mission is
considered a success if both of the children are
healthy come nightfall and all of the words in
the above paragraph are correctly spellled.
Mission
Eleven: Forward Deployment II
Team BABIES
will travel 1300 miles by air to Grandparent Zone
(GZ). The layover between flights will afford
zero lag time; all members must board second
flight. Mission is not considered a fail if Alpha
forgets Charlie’s sippy cup on first
aircraft.[2] Delta will decide he is hungry
five minutes after boarding begins inexplicably
without “Small Children Pre-boarding”
announcement. Boarding will require walking out
onto tarmac in pouring rain. Airline travel
computer will have humorously assigned the three
paying passengers of Team BABIES three separate
seats in the aircraft. Alpha and Bravo must
reassemble the team, feed Delta and water Charlie
without inflicting lasting trauma on any team
members. Mission will not be considered a fail if
lasting trauma is inflicted on any non-team
members.[3]
Mission
Twelve: Sack time
Upon reaching
GZ after a day of travel, Team BABIES will sleep
together in single bedroom. Charlie will not wish
to sleep on assigned bunk (floor) but rather
‘with mommy and daddy.’ Delta, who at
five months rolls over easily, will not wish to
sleep on flat crib surface. After the day of
travel Bravo will not wish to sleep with any team
member.[4] Points will be awarded if Bravo
figures out a way for Delta to sleep,[5] also
if Alpha gets Charlie down to the floor and then
later out from under the bed all without waking
him.[6]
Mission is
considered a fail if Bravo, Charlie and Delta do
not sleep. Mission is not considered a fail if
Alpha does not sleep.
Mission
Thirteen: “The Trials of Hercules”
With Bravo
having returned to work, Alpha will be required
to provide for the care and feeding of Charlie
and Delta as well as clean home base, as Bravo’s
parents are unexpectedly arriving a day early.[7]
Mission
parameters: the vacuum cleaner is broken; Alpha
must find a workaround.[8]
Delta is
reacting badly to Bravo’s previous evening
chili dinner and will have random screaming gas-pain
fits throughout the day.
Charlie is
reacting badly to being two-and-a-half and will
have random “isn’t it great how loud I
can be” screaming fits throughout the day.
The dog and
cat will be as annoying as possible and at least
one solicitor will ignore the “No
Solicitations” sign, ring the doorbell, and
waken Delta five minutes after Alpha finally gets
him to sleep.
Mission
Success parameters: If, at the end of their visit,
Bravo’s parents express appreciation for
being able to visit; if Charlie runs to give
Alpha a hug when he sees him; if Delta smiles at
Daddy when he sees him; if Alpha and Bravo get
out at least occasionally for date
nights and remember why they fell in love in the
first place…this and all above Missions will
be considered an overall success.
If All
Missions Are Successfully Completed:
Congratulations!
Alpha and Bravo are hereby officially recognized
as Extreme Parents, grade II. Charlie is
recognized as a Good Older Brother. When Delta is
old enough, he will officially recognize how
Lucky He Is.
[1] That
didn’t happen. That you know of
[2] Lucky for Alpha
[3] Lasting? No—but I did manage to
whack my head pretty hard during one of the
airplane roulette seat changes
[4] Which is how we got into this mess in
the first place
[5] Car carrier IN the crib. My wife is
brilliant
[6] Mission accomplished
[7] At least we had warning. As opposed to
walking in unannounced a day early—not that
any family members of mine would ever do that…
[8] I picked up what I could find by hand,
then dragged a heavy book back and forth to make
the usual carpet lines
Excerpted
from 'Fire at Will II: Will Tell Jokes for Food'
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