B.A.B.Y
Second Tour
part 1
by Will Nuessle
So, you
decided to re-enlist, soldier? Good man! We need
more fathers like yourself. Congratulations on
your second child—here is where things get real interestin’.
You will be
expected to complete a series of missions, and I’ll
warn you right off—they won’t be easy.
But if you (and more importantly, the children)
survive, you will have been tested by fire (and
merconium.)
Welcome to the
second level of hell, son.
Welcome
to B.A.B.I.E.S.[1]
Your training
ground, Campaign A: a two-week road trip. The
participants: you, your significantly pregnant
wife, one just-over-two-year-old child. Hereafter
referred to as Alpha, Bravo and Charlie, or
corporately as Team BABIES.
Mission
One: Forward Deployment
Congratulations
on accepting your assignment! To reach your
initial destination, hereafter known as Landing
Zone, hereafter referred to as LZ, you will be
required to spend several hours in an airplane
preceded by several hours in an airport with
Bravo and Charlie. Team BABIES will need to leave
the house no later than 0300 hours; mission is
considered a fail if any member is left behind.
For safe and
thorough air travel, Team BABIES is required to
transfer the following from home base to the LZ
and beyond: collapsed Pack ‘n Play, travel
stroller, Alpha carryon, Bravo carryon, Alpha
suitcase, Bravo suitcase, diaper bag and D.O.T.
Approved-Up-To-60-Pounds car-seat. All items must
be accounted for at all times, though it is
acceptable to make the airline deal with as much
as reasonable.
Regardless
of when Team BABIES arrives at the airport, they
will miss the airport shuttle by thirty seconds
and wait for twenty minutes in below-freezing
temperatures. Alpha is discouraged from cracking
jokes to ‘improve troop morale.’
Upon reaching
the airport, the self-check-in station will be
broken; Team BABIES will be required to stand in
a twenty-minute Check-In line, followed shortly
by a thirty-minute Security line. Alpha and Bravo
are encouraged to remember that they get to board
the actual airplane ahead of those more fortunate
passengers without small children; Alpha and
Bravo are discouraged from celebrating this fact
openly.
Just-over-two-year-old
Charlie will demand to be helpful in the airport
and push his own empty stroller. Upon boarding
the airplane, Charlie will expect to be fed,
entertained, and have the freedom to run around
the airplane to his heart’s content. Alpha
and Bravo must find the balance between giving
Charlie whatever he wants and forcing the plane
to listen to the screams when he doesn’t get
his way. Mission is considered a fail if Charlie
is no longer onboard the airplane upon landing.
Mission is not considered a fail if every other
person onboard the airplane hates Alpha and Bravo.
Upon landing,
Team BABIES must secure their belongings, rent a
car and navigate ATL, the busiest airport in the
world. Charlie, having been up since 0300 and
definitely not sleeping on the plane, will be
especially helpful. Bravo is reminded to drink
more water than she feels she needs. Alpha is to
be forgiven if he thinks fondly of the days when
he was single.
Mission is
considered a success if all Team-members and
equipment safely navigate Atlanta traffic to
reach their destination. The Team is encouraged
to enjoy their Chick-Fil-A lunch; they have
definitely earned it.
Mission
Two: Bivouac
Charlie,
having been up since 0300 the day before, is of
course awake by 0500. In order to allow Bravo to
sleep, Alpha will be responsible for Charlie. His
mission is to change, feed and amuse Charlie in
his sister-in-law’s house, A.K.A. “The
House of a Million Echoes.” In addition to
the silent house, there is a large friendly dog
who is not yet used to visitors. Mission is
considered a fail if any family members besides
Alpha and Charlie are awakened by the subsequent
chaos.[2]
Mission
Three: Trauma Mitigation
During the
course of the two-week deployment, Charlie will
smack his head on the following things: the
Tennessee hotel room door; the hotel nightstand;
the turnstile at the Hot Springs Tower; the door
to the Petrified Forest Museum; the Mississippi
hotel room door; a chair at the Louisiana gelato
restaurant; the door to the Tokyo wing of the New
Orleans World War II Museum; the Alabama hotel
room door; the chair in the Atlanta airport
waiting area; the seat of the ATL to DEN airplane
and the restroom of the ATL to DEN airplane.[3] “He
left a piece of himself in every state.”
Alpha and
Bravo are responsible for drying tears, checking
for eye dilation (the nightstand smack will
result in significant robin’s-egg swelling)
and general triage. Mission is considered a fail
if Charlie requires hospitalization.[4] Mission
is also considered a fail if Charlie catches
Alpha or Bravo laughing at him.[5]
Mission
Four: MREs[6]
After
negotiating Memphis rush-hour traffic with a
whiny toddler, Team BABIES will finally find
a steakhouse, conveniently located next to their
evening hotel. After more than an hour of the
worst service imaginable short of being actually
showered in food, the Team will reconvene at the
hotel, long after food service is shut down for
the night. Extremely pregnant Bravo and extremely
two-years-old Charlie will have to content
themselves with purse snacks; Alpha will try to
calm down long enough to sleep. Mission is
considered a fail if Alpha sneaks out at 0300 to
set fire to the “restaurant.” Mission
is also considered a fail if Alpha’s Google/Yelp
reviews use words he does not want Charlie to
know.
[1] Building
And Bettering Into Excellent Siblings
[2] Mission was a fail. Sorry, dad!
[3] Seriously, the child’s skull must
be rock solid
[4] He didn’t
[5] Yes, we’re terrible people. But by
the eighth or ninth time it really had gotten
hilariously ridiculous—like Isaac was doing
a Three Stooges bit all by himself
[6] Meals Ready to Eat
Excerpted from 'Fire at Will II: Will Tell Jokes
for Food'
go to part 2
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