B.A.B.Y
part 1
by Will Nuessle
Every
occupation involving responsibility for other
people, you gotta be trained, certified,
notarized, background checked, etc. Police
officer, firefighter, EMT, doctor, lawyer,
teacher, you name it.
Except one.
Parenting.
To get in on
the pinnacle of caregiving, having the welfare,
education and moral authority over an initially
helpless human being twenty-four hours a day, seven
days a week, fifty-two weeks every year only
requires a bit of biological material and a Barry
White album.[1]
Somehow that
seems very wrong.
At least there
are classes, books, personal instruction for
those who will volunteer for training. And much
like every Armed Forces recruit goes through Boot
Camp but only the elite will survive SEAL or
Ranger or Green Beret training, I am devising an
Advanced Training Course for fathers. You want to
call yourself a Real Dad? You want to know that
you’re among the Best of the Best?
Welcome to
hell, son.
Welcome
to B.A.B.Y.[2]
Your training
ground: a week of summer camp. The participants:
you, your wife, one eighteen-month-old child.
Hereafter referred to as Alpha, Bravo and Charlie,
or Team BABY. Supplies: tent, food, clothing,
pack ‘n play, enough Learn and Grow toys to
choke a donkey.
Mission
One: Forward Deployment
Congratulations
on accepting your assignment! To reach your
camping destination, hereafter known as Camp Zone,
hereafter referred to as CZ, you will be required
to spend several thousand miles in the car with
Bravo and Charlie. Team BABY will fail in their
mission if you leave any family member behind at
a rest-stop, restaurant or hotel, regardless of
provocation. It is acceptable for Bravo to drive;
it is not acceptable for Alpha to give advice
from the passenger seat.
It is
important that Alpha and Bravo work together to
deal with dirty diapers, thrown bottles, and
proper safety gear for all participants. Bravo
will expect to stop regularly at chain
restaurants that feature “Playplace”
areas. Be advised: nine of the ten restaurants
who list these features will either not have them
or they will be unavailable.
Mission
Two: Establish the Perimeter
Having reached
the CZ by early afternoon, Team BABY are now
tasked with erecting a shelter. While both Alpha
and Bravo may coordinate in assembling the tent,
Charlie will be free to wander about and must be
supervised. Team BABY will fail in their mission
if Charlie is carted off by a bear, falls into
the lake more than three times, or sets himself
on fire. Team BABY will also fail in their
mission if the tent is not properly assembled by
nightfall. Halfway through tent assembly it will
be discovered that tent stakes were not included
when tent was previously disassembled; a
substitute must be found.
Charlie is not
an acceptable substitute.
Mission
Three: Survey/Reconnoiter
Once shelter
has been erected, Team BABY will recon the
surrounding area, arriving at the mess hall by
1830 at the latest. Bravo will want Charlie to be
free to “get some of that energy out”.
Charlie, having no more sense of direction than a
fifty-cent wind-up frog, will trot in whatever
direction he fancies, fall down regularly, and
refuse any help or guidance. Team BABY will fail
in their mission if they are more than fifty
minutes late for dinner.
Mission
Four: Replenishments
Having reached
the mess hall, Team BABY will now attempt to eat
the evening meal. This mission is considered
successful if Charlie ingests any substance
considered “solid food”, including but
not limited to crackers, strained peas, chunks of
fruit, chunks of hamburger, chunks of bread,
chunks of pudding, napkin. Alpha and Bravo are
not required to take in nourishment for mission
to be considered successful.
Mission
Five: Sacktime I
Team BABY will
now sleep through the night. Alpha, having one of
his “great ideas”, will veto putting
the Pack ‘n Play in the tent, as Charlie
will “sleep just fine.” Charlie will
indeed sleep very well, though he will start
rolling, punching and kicking Alpha and Bravo
around 0230. Team BABY will fail in their mission
if they toss Charlie out to be raised by bats.
Team BABY will also fail in their mission if
Charlie’s grandparents, camping nearby, hear
any swear words they did not previously know.
(Missions
to continue shortly!)
[1] Or
Barry Manilow. You be you
[2] Building And Bettering Youth
go to part 2
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