The Time for
Oscars
by Amit
Parmessur
Suddenly, I
started thinking about the origin of the word
Oscar. Genius Indian musician AR Rahman was
finally receiving some just reward for his talent
with the surprising Slumdog Millionaire. The best
explanation I could find was a mixture of English
and French. Os from French meaning bone, mixed
with car. Having neither won an os nor a car, I
looked on with envy till the end.
And the next
morning I woke up for some sports on Yahoo Sports.
It was the time for Oscars in sports too. I met
the 2008 Barclays Premier League winners.
Surprising! Without further ado, let’s
discover them. My free personal comments
accompanying the little golden men.
Best Actor - Mr
Steven Taylor, for his stunning theatrical
penalty-winning dive against Sunderland. Referees
should seriously consider studying Shakespeare.
Best Supporting
Actor - Mr Didier Drogba for his season-long sulk,
depicting the hell of getting millions to play up
front for Chelsea. Among the best players in
football but here that’s GlumDrog
Millionaire.
Best Actress -
Tzofit Grant, aka Mrs Avram, who told Roman
Abramovich that firing her husband from Chelsea
was a mistake, as a friend, as a human being and
an owner. No fit competition here. It’s a
walkover.
Best Foreign
Language Film - Mr Joe Kinnear’s
conversation with the press conducted almost
entirely in f*#*ing French. Newcastle United got
some results after the speech. Award deserved.
It’s a pity there were no more such speeches;
Newcastle would’ve remained a new castle,
triumphant and united.
Best Film Editing
- Mr Arsene Wenger, for erasing the incidents
behind the 76 red cards during his Arsenal tenure.
Did you see how they edited Arsenal to get Arsene?
Best Animation -
Mr Martin O’Neill’s touchline antics.
Fully deserved for a fully dedicated and overly
animated coach.
Best Costume
Design - Mr Petr Cech, for the combination of
scrum cap and luminous orange shirt. Girls
rightly call him handsome. Nice award. Wrong
category.
Best Sound Mixing
- Mr Cristiano Ronaldo for hearing a whistle
against Manchester City and getting sent off
after catching the ball. I did not expect this
action to win Cristiano an award. Surprises do
exist at the Oscars.
Best
Cinematography - Ever Banega, whose webcam
footage of himself entitled ‘Ever Banega,
always big’ ended up on the internet. Each
year there are some anonymous winners too.
Best Musical Score
- Mr John Terry, who hogged the karaoke machine
at Chelsea’s Christmas party, belting out
Luther Vandross numbers, including Never Too Much.
No award is ever too much for courageous
melodious skippers.
I hope Yahoo
Sports just introduces the Best Supporting
Actress 2009 category too. I might win the award
with a wig supporting Spurs from the stands.
Before leaving, let me just share the secret
behind Slumdog Millionaire’s 8 awards. Did
you see the link between Slumdog and Os? So watch
out this year for a surprising film on cars
sweeping the awards.
Until we meet
again (sure we shall), Jai Ho!
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