The Ruby Idol
by Michael A. Kechula
Ed checked the
old Portuguese treasure map to ensure he’d
taken the right path. He’d come too far down
the Amazon to make a mistake now.
The map showed
a lone towering spire of granite. Ed found
himself standing directly in front of it. The
spire’s very presence in the middle of the
Brazilian jungle didn’t add up. But neither
did the fact that a huge bull elephant was
standing behind the spire and blocking the path.
“What’s
the password,” the beast asked.
Ed was
dumbstruck.
“If you
don’t tell me the password, I’ll smash
you into a thousand pieces.”
“Nobody
ever told me about a password. Look, give me a
break. I came thousands of miles to find the Ruby
Idol. When I find it, I’ll give you a
million dollars—after I auction the idol and
all the other ancient artifacts I find in the
Cave of 10,000 Treasures."
“Promises,
promises,” said the elephant. “Do you
know how many guys showed up here with maps
expecting to find the idol? They all promised to
pay me once they found it.”
“You mean
others have been here looking for the same thing?”
“Yep.
Where did you get yours? From the Harrods
catalogue? Or did McDonald’s give you one
when you super-sized your Big Mac?”
“No. I
got mine from eBay. I bid $10,000 for it and won.
What happened to all the other treasure hunters?
Did you stomp them?”
“Snakes
got 'em. There’s lotsa nasty serpents all
over the place in this jungle. Some are as long
as the Empire State Building.”
“Sounds
like baloney,” Ed said. “How do I know
you ain’t on your way to find the idol,
yourself? Maybe I oughta put a few bullets in
your skull.”
The elephant
let out a horrible noise. Within seconds, Ed was
surrounded by vicious vipers. Several bit him. He
died instantly.
“Thanks,
guys,” the elephant said to the vipers.
“Come back in a few hours. I’m gonna
roast him for dinner. Bring the wife and kids.”
Whistling a
merry tune, the elephant removed all of Ed’s
valuables so he could list them for auction them
on eBay. Then he put Ed’s corpse on a spit
and set it over a barbeque pit. After pouring his
special-formula barbeque sauce over Ed, he pulled
out a notebook computer and logged onto the
Internet to list his latest cache of booty on
eBay. Next, he listed his newest treasure map
that showed how to get to The Cursed Temple of a
Million Diamonds in the Amazon Jungle.
“The best
lesson I ever learned when I worked for the
Barnum and Bailey Circus,” the elephant said,
“was that a sucker’s born every minute.
Because of that fundamental truism, I figure
I’ll be able to retire on the French Riviera
in another year—from auctioning my phony
treasure maps.”
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