The Contract
by Michael A. Kechula
“I’m
a sour old bastard suffering from crushing
loneliness,” cried Nessie.
“I
understand your pain,” Harry yelled through
a bullhorn. “But, you’re uglier than
sin. Those humps on your back are grotesque. If
you weren’t so mangy-looking, you
wouldn’t be lonely.”
“It’s
not my fault I was born this way. Why wasn’t
I born a beautiful butterfly instead of the Loch
Ness Monster?”
“Blame it
on Fate,” Harry said.
“Do you
realize they wouldn’t even give me a part in
Jurassic Park? Broke my heart. I told them
I’d work for minimum wages. I figured if
kids saw me in the movie, they’d realize how
nice I am. Maybe they’d ask me to come to
their schools for show and tell. But the director
wouldn’t have it.
“Why?”
“Well,
the actors got fed on the set as part of their
contracts. The director said I was so huge,
they’d spend almost their whole production
budget just to feed me.”
“If
you’d didn’t hide in this loch so much,
especially when explorers show up, you might get
some good press coverage.”
“Why
don’t you take me home with you? You come
here every week to see me. You always stand way
up on a hill as if you’re scared of me. I
don’t eat people. I eat algae. If you’re
so worried about my welfare, why don’t you
build a lake behind your house, put me there, and
I’ll live happily ever after. You could even
sell tickets so people could come to see me.”
“Great
idea! I’ll go home right now and prepare a
contract. I’ll be back in a few hours.”
“Wonderful!”
Nessie exclaimed, shedding joyful tears. “I
won’t hafta be lonely anymore.”
Harry prepared
a contract stating he’d get 99% of the
proceeds from ticket sales, snacks, and Loch Ness
Monster merchandise. He’d tell Nessie that
it was a 50-50 deal. She’d never realize he
was cheating her. It would never occur to her to
ask a lawyer to review the contract. She was a
gullible, uneducated dullard who’d believe
anything. Scottish taxpayers were to blame.
They’d refused to pay for the construction
of classrooms the size of dirigible hangars to
accommodate her.
Rushing back
with the contract, Harry called through the
bullhorn. Nessie rose to the surface immediately.
“Here’s
the contract. No need to read it,” he said,
knowing she was illiterate. “I’m gonna
climb down to the shore. I tied a pen to this
broomstick. I’ll put it in your mouth
so you can wiggle your head and make your mark.
That’ll make the contract legal. And I
brought a camcorder to record this, so I’ll
have proof that you signed.”
Nessie giggled with
excitement as he approached. She bowed her head
so he could place the broomstick between her
incisors.
When he
disappeared, Nessie burped loudly.
“Work’s
every time!” she chuckled, as she descended
to her lair for an after dinner nap.
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