The Backing
Chatters
by Alan Pinkett
The final guest on the chat
show was a well-known singer. Sarah Nade had a
rough old voice, but it was perfect for ballads.
She performed a song from
her latest album then went over to the host.
"Mwah, mwah," he
greeted.
She sat down to the left of
him. We mostly interview to the left, the
Americans to the right.
Her backing singers settled
behind her.
"Wonderful, wonderful."
"Thank ya."
"Thank you, thank you,"
said the backing singers.
Obviously there to back her
every word.
"Now, I notice that
the main theme of the album is the world. The
first half is a real mixture of places. There is
a house in New Orleans in a town called Alice by
the rivers of Babylon in the heart of America.
Then there’s Vienna calling New York, New
York way down in Louisiana on the road to nowhere.
Now… maybe it’s because I’m a
Londoner, but that sounds like a pretty good
representation of the American view of the rest
of the world, to me."
"Naah… they’re
just places I bin on tour."
"Na, na… Na, na,
na, naa… " came the refrain from behind
her.
"Oh right… "
continued the host. "But then the second
side consists solely of songs about Georgia."
"Yeah… Never bin
there, but must be one ‘a the most sung-about
places anywheres."
"Yes… it’s
got Georgia on my mind, I left my home in Georgia
heading for the ‘Frisco Bay… "
"Leavin’ on a
midnight train to Georgia."
"Whooh, whooh,"
added the backing speakers. "Chiddy-koof,
chiddy-koof."
"And one of my
favourites, a rainy night in Georgia."
"Woh, woh, woh.
Miserable. Woh, woh, woh."
"Yeah… and Sweet
Georgia Brown."
"OK… Now I know
you’re off on tour to promote it. But
unusually, you’re starting by entertaining
American troops in Ira-kaza-bystan."
"Jig-a-jig. Jig-a-jig."
She looked sharply back at
her backing speakers.
"Oh no, oh no, oh no,"
they cowered.
"Yeah, I’ll be singin’
to ‘em," she replied, slightly over-forcefully.
"La-la. La-la. Tralee."
"I think it’s
important to support our military guys."
"Badoom, badoom,
badoom. Dum, dum, dum."
"Then it’s on to
Europe?"
"That way-ay-ee."
"Yeah… then the
States and Asia – fifty dates in all."
"Ooh-ooh. Woh, woh,
woh. Ooh baby, ooee."
"Well good luck with
that... "
"Thank ya."
"And now… I have
to ask this, Sarah… I believe you have a new
man in your life."
"Boom-bidi-boom, bidi-boom,
bidi-boom. Ticky-boo. Ticky-boo."
"Yeah… " she
softened.
"Ga-goo-ga-goo. Boop,
boop. Ah, aah… "
"Yeah… He’s
base player with Bonk the Rock Chick."
"By the name of Justin
Passin’, I understand."
"Yeah… "
"Right… Justin
Passin’, Bonk the Rock Chick…
reliable, is he?" laughed the host. He was
trying to liven things up a bit – the
interview had been feeling a bit like pulling
teeth at times.
"Eh?!" she
expostulated, her spikey hair bristling.
But it obviously wasn’t
her first expostulate. No expostulate initiate,
her.
Rather surprisingly, her
somewhat unruly backing speakers Laughing
Policemen’d to her rescue, "Ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha.
Ha-ha-ha-ha-haa… "
Her antenna hair seemed to
get the message that it was a joke and she calmed.
"Naah… he’s
cool. He’s OK."
"Hung for your love,
hung for your love. Dang-a-lang-a-lang, dang-a-lang-a-ding-dong."
She raised her eyes in
exasperation at the turncoats behind her, but
didn’t say anything.
"Well… I hope all
goes well for you on that front."
"Thank ya."
"Showadee-bup. Shiddy-diddy.
Diddy-di-bup."
"Shoo-doo-wup-wup. Bup-shoo-wup-bup.
Shoo-bup-bup-bup. Bup-shoo-up," they
continued, obviously on a bit of a roll.
"Well… I hope the
tour goes well and it’s been good to talk to
you again."
"Thank ya - bin good
to see you, too."
"Obladi, oblada. Hey
ho, nonnie, nonnie, nay."
The host swung his chair
round towards the audience. "So… my
thanks to all my guests… and I’ll see
you again next week."
The theme music played, the
credits shot past at eyeball-strain speed, the
production company logo came up. Then the
producer threw in a last little bonus – the
sound of the backing singers talking as they
returned to the hospitality room.
"Well, I’m sorry
but you "wah-wahed" wrong."
"No I didn’t!
Besides what sort of "ba-boo-ba-baa"
did you call that?... "
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