Oh, Just Some
Things
by Ken Simm
My
Mother, who was so tight fisted that she once
dropped sixpence on the floor and it hit her on
the back of the neck, used to say
“Don’t eat all those apples they don’t
grow on trees you know”.
“But
they do,” I would reply knowingly whereupon
she would hit me.
She
also said, “Stop yer scrikin or I’ll
give yer somert to srike about.” Er?
Whereupon she would hit me again, on account I
suppose.
When
she was on the telephone to her sisters she would
say “Oh it wuz about that big,”
sketching out the size with her fingers. What
always surprised me is that they would know what
size she was talking about.
My
Mother would Meemaw. That is mouth the words
whenever she was talking about something she
thought you should not know like “Have you
seen that one at number 19, well she’s no
better than she should be”.
How
good should she be, I thought? Having learned to
translate the exaggerated mouthings at very early
age for personal survival reasons, I suppose. And
then she would hit me again for listening or
looking when I shouldn’t and finding out
about Mrs Playtex’s operation scar. (Don’t
ask me why she was called that, I still duck at
the memory)
Meemawing
by the way was invented in the weaving sheds of
Lancashire so that my Mother could be understood
above the sound of Jenny and Mule. It was
developed into a fine art across the yard walls
of the back to backs and was not official
meemawing unless dressed in the obligatory
curlers and paisley pinny (see translation).
Other
sayings of my Mother before she hit me again…
“Hast
anyonyer getting anyonyer?”
“Hast binman bin?”
“Tintintin”
“Thas nobutt bin ere but ten minutes”
“Ee ee wouldn’t stop a pig inna ginnel”
“Yacht?”
And finally one of my Dads, the translation of
which might be the new game craze if I’m
lucky.
“Eee Ah gettin up morn neet just this side o’
sparrarfart and ah thort, met goo aatt neet get a
few daann me but tha nose wot its like owd biddy
would aa non of it, tha nose so ah stayed awhom
and watched tellie.”
Perhaps
I should do a Lanky word for windows. What do you
think?
Partial
translation.
Srikin.
Crying as in mardarse.
Somert Something as in soomertup?
Hast Have or are as
in Hasterallreet?
Anyonyer Any on you?
Binman Refuse operative.
Tintintin It isn’t in the metal
container
Ee
Ee.
Ginnel Alleyway. The person was
slightly bowlegged.
Yacht? Question Are you hot?
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