A Miracle
Product
by Michael A.
Kechula
Millions who
watched the 2015 World Cup on TV will never
forget that fateful day. During a commercial
break, TV screens filled with the magnificent
countenance of Miss New World Order.
“Here’s something new!” she
announced. “A miracle of the New World Order!
Jiffy-Dog! A dog in every box!”
Popping the
top of a blue box, she exclaimed, “Just pour
the orange powder from this box into a bucket
like I’m doing. Don’t worry if you
spill some. It wipes up easily. Next, add four
liters of water. Stir three times…and…Jiffy-Dog!
A beautiful dog every time.”
The screen
split into a dozen panels showing men, women, and
children pouring Jiffy-Dog powder into buckets.
Suddenly, magnificent, fully-grown dogs of
various breeds appeared in every one.
“Stay
tuned for the next commercial break when I’ll
tell you more about this incredible new product,”
she said.
I’d never
felt so excited. Instant dog. Just add water.
What a fabulous concept.
The entire
world stood still when the Jiffy-Dog hawker
appeared once again and asked, “Tired of
cleaning up doggie diamond? Tired of dogs barking
at nothing during the night and waking you from a
sound sleep? Tired of them eating you out of
house and home? Try Jiffy-Dog. The instant dog
that doesn’t eat, sleep, whine, chew your
slippers, or have scatological accidents. Keep
your fire hydrants spic and span. Keep nasty
doggie breath away. Stop dog bites forever. No
more unwanted puppies.&nbs p; Jiffy-Dog. A
dog in every box.”
By the time
the next commercial was presented, the only
people on Earth not watching were in comas,
catatonic states, and solitary confinement.
Miss New World
Order demonstrated how to use an optional Jiffy-Dog
dehydrator. She attached the gadget to the
dog’s snout, threw a switch, and the dog
collapsed into a small pile of squishy material.
"When you want your dog back to normal, just
sprinkle this treated liquid—available for a
small extra charge—on the material, and it
will expanded to its proper size, shape, color,
and texture.
Ten million
boxes of Jiffy-Dog sold that day. One billion
sold by the end of the week.
I bought one.
Luckily, I got the extra-strength model that told
a million jokes. Funniest one-liners I ever heard.
My instant dog
was the best companion I ever had. Not only could
he do amazing card tricks and tell jokes, but he
also watched sports on TV with me, something my
wife never did.
Three months
later, reports started to trickle in. Real dogs
were disappearing. Investigative journalists
filmed some sleeping under bridges and others in
soup lines at rescue missions.
Parliament
attempted to pass legislation to protect
abandoned real dogs. They failed, especially when
the Prime Minister, Foreign, Home, and Justice
Secretaries switched to Jiffy-Dog.
Eventually,
real dogs disappeared from the face of the Earth.
Nobody cared. We had Jiffy-Dog.
Then came
Jiffy-Cat.
And Jiffy-Wife.
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