Year Of 2012 To
Be Postponed
April 2011:
The UN announced today that
the year of 2012 is to be postponed.
Ban Ki-moon, Secretary-General
of the United Nations, spoke of the unanimous UN
vote. ‘The outlook for the global economy is
extremely uncertain,’ he explained.
‘There is political instability in many
places that is likely to lead to escalating
conflicts, and geological and meteorological data
indicate the potential for an increasing number
of natural disasters. We believe it would be
irresponsible to simply continue forward into
2012 until we have had time to plan for the
unprecedented challenges that 2012 seems likely
to present.’
It is believed that this is
the first time a year has been postponed or
cancelled. ‘The next sequential numerical
year is usually agreed as a formality on New
Year’s Eve,’ confirmed Professeur de
l’Horloge of the International Bureau of
Weights and Measures in Paris, the organisation
in charge of Time.
Professeur de
l’Horloge warned that to put nothing in the
gap left by the removal of 2012 would create a
dangerous void in the Gregorian calendar.
‘Simply suspending Time would have
disastrous consequences for the space-time
continuum,’ he explained, ‘and could
possibly lead to the end the Universe. It will
certainly be necessary to replace 2012 with an
alternative year.’
In anticipation of the UN
decision, the international community have been
engaged in contingency planning. The favoured
year to replace 2012 has already been selected as
1969. ‘It would clearly be madness to
proceed directly to 2013,’ said David
Cameron in a broadcast to the British people.
‘Without the experience of 2012, 2013 would
be entirely unpredictable and hence even more
dangerous than 2012. 1969 is a year that has been
tried and tested.’
Reaction to the decision
has been, for the most part, positive. ‘Any
year would be better than 2012,’ said a
relieved Boris Johnson, Mayor of London.
‘God knows how we would have got the
Olympics sorted. Even if they stick 2012 in after
2050 it won’t be delayed far enough for me
and Seb.’
The music industry have
reacted quickly by making plans for the re-release
of the first album by Led Zepplin, the
Beatles’ Abbey Road, and My Way
by Frank Sinatra. Also there is much excitement
about the prospect of Woodstock and a come-back
tour by Elvis Presley.
Technophiles have also
shown enthusiasm. ‘The maiden flight of the
Boeing 747 will attract a lot of interest,’
said a spokesperson from New Scientist
magazine, ‘and it will be great to watch the
moon landing of Apollo 11.’
The plan has not, however,
led to universal pleasure. The Vietnamese
Government, for example, has expressed concern
about the proposed carpet bombing and napalm
attacks on their country by the Americans. Whilst
agreed as regrettable, it has been pointed-out
that no year can be found in which the US was not
undertaking military action in one or other
foreign country. ‘It’s also unfortunate,’
conceded Barack Obama to CNN, ‘that Muammar
al-Gaddafi will come to power in September 1969,
negating the considerable efforts made in 2011 to
oust him.’
Fashion may be a further
contentious issue. ‘It is believed that
emergency legislation may be needed,’ said
the British Culture Secretary, Jeremy Hunt, 'to
compel modern, fashion-conscious young people to
wear afro hairstyles; coloured, fluorescent,
paisley shirts; wide polka dot ties; bell-bottomed,
velvet trousers and platform shoes.'
Elements of 2012 will be
piloted in various countries during 1969.
‘We will only assemble and launch 2012 when
we are sure it is safe,’ confirmed Ban Ki-moon.
‘If the work takes longer than twelve months,’
he added, ‘we will continue into the 1970s.
However, we expect to be able to begin 2012 no
later than 1973.’
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