The Report On 'Christmas
In England'
The long-awaited all-party
report on ‘Christmas in England’ was
finally published today in time for inclusion in
the Queen’s Christmas message.
The enquiry that led to the
report was set up to examine and make
recommendations about key controversies that can
emerge during the festive season and compromise
seasonal goodwill.
In looking at the origins
of Christmas, the report is highly critical of
God for timing the birth of Jesus to coincide
with the middle of the English winter. It
recommends that Advent should be moved to mid-summer.
God also comes under attack
for locating the Nativity in the Middle-East. The
report concludes that just two major religions in
that area would have been ample. In England,
Jesus is generally agreed to have been English
due to His Father’s nationality. The report
therefore concludes that it would have been far
more sensible to locate his birth in this country.
'Having Jesus born in Palestine is as daft as
hosting the World Cup in Qatar,' agreed a
perplexed David Beckham and Prince William.
English theologians
proposed to the enquiry a redrafting of the
Gospels to make the English Midlands the halting
point of the Star, due to its central location.
The final report, however, favours Surrey, one of
England’s southern counties, pointing out
that it would sound ridiculous for the Son of God
to speak with a Birmingham accent.
The Church of England has
endorsed the findings and recommendations of the
report and is in discussion with the Vatican and
the Greek Orthodox Church about a relocation of
the Basilica of the Nativity to Croydon.
Moving to more central
aspects of Christmas, the report examines the
controversy surrounding Santa’s reindeer.
While both male and female
reindeer grow antlers in the summer, male
reindeer drop their antlers at the beginning of
winter. The antlered deer known to pull
Santa’s sleigh in late December must,
therefore, be female. This is inconsistent with
the widely held understanding that Rudolf is male.
The enquiry heard evidence
from a leading reindeer geneticist who confirmed
that Rudolf is probably male, but suffering from
Antler Retention and Red Nose Syndrome (ARRNS).
This is a rare genetic disorder that would
prevent the fall of his antlers but is also
characterised by a very shiny nose which most
people would even say glowed.
The report moves on to
consider the core aspects of the English
Christmas, namely spending ridiculous sums of
money, eating too much and remaining drunk for as
long as possible.
Retailers supplying
products in support of these activities
contributed submissions to the enquiry that were
highly critical of the Christian Church. They
argued that the Church is aggressively pursuing a
campaign to hijack Christmas for religious
purposes. They raised concerns that the Church
openly supports moderation and charity, and in
doing so undermines the very essence of Christmas,
namely rampant consumerism and greed.
The report makes no
judgement on this alleged attempt by the
Christian Church to dominate Christmas, pending
the outcome of the High Court action being taken
against the Church by the English Association
of Department Store Santas (EADSS).
EADSS contend that the true
Christmas Story of Santa and his elves making
presents for boys and girls, and then Santa
delivering them on a flying sleigh, pulled by
reindeer, is being unscrupulously subverted in
the minds of the young by scurrilous Christian
propaganda about a baby and a stable. EADSS are
seeking an injunction to prevent what they see as
unfair competition.
The authors of the report
conclude that they may not have fully resolved
all the contentious issues relating to Christmas
in England, but hope that identifying current
thinking on key points will contribute to further
informed debate.
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