The Poorville
Estate
‘‘Allo mate, this
where I apply for a council ‘ouse?’
‘That’s right.
Which location were you thinking of?’
‘I fancy summit on
that new Poorville Estate - the one next to Posh
Park.’
‘That’s a nice
area.’
‘Yeh. I wondered why
they’d built a council estate there.
You’d fink all them rich people in Posh Park
would have complained.’
‘On the contrary, they
supported it. It’s an important part of
planning strategy to have deprived areas adjacent
to affluent neighbourhoods.’
‘Why’s that, then?’
‘It gives the wealthy
a baseline against which to compare their
lifestyles. It provides an identifiable group of
real people to demonise for the ills of society.
That’s why we’re so careful about who
we select for tenancies on those estates. You are
a member of the feckless poor, aren’t you?’
‘Well, I’m on
benefits, right now.’
‘That’s good.
We’re looking for an unemployment rate of
around thirty percent. You don’t happen to
have a pregnant, unmarried, teenage daughter, do
you?’
‘Sorry, mate.’
‘That’s bad luck.
We particularly need to get their
numbers up in order to match the DMDP.’
‘What’s the DMDP?’
‘The Daily Mail
Demographic Profile. It tells us how many of each
type of social problem we need to build a proper
working class ghetto.’
‘I didn’t know so
much plannin’ went into makin’ a rough
neighbour’ood.’
‘Oh yes. It’s a
masterpiece of social engineering. We’ve
already built a run down, dilapidated pub and a
sink school. All the teachers will be fully
trained in modern teaching methods, so most
school leavers should be illiterate.
‘Ain’t left much
to chance, then?’
‘Certainly not. Those
selected to provide medical cover have been hand
picked from areas with the highest mortality
rates in the country, and all NHS dentists have
been banned for a radius of forty miles. Would
you like a cigarette?’
‘No fanks. Never liked
fags.’
‘It might be wise to
start if you’re hoping to move to Poorville.
We plan the average life expectancy on the Estate
to be at least twenty years less than in Posh
Park.’
‘What uvver low-life
you lookin’ for?’
‘We still need a lot
of single parents on benefits; a fair number of
binge drinking young people and around ten drug
dealers. What can you and your family offer us?’
‘Not sure. We’re
a decent, ‘ard workin’ family. I lost
me job due to the recession, but I’m
startin’ a new one next week.’
‘That’s not very
good, I’m afraid. The DMDP doesn’t
include decent, hardworking families.’
‘That’s a bummer.
What do we 'ave to do to get a place on Poorville?’
‘We have training
courses. Here’s a brochure.’
‘Cor, there’s
lots in ‘ere. I could do courses on burglary
and benefit fraud. And me son could qualify in
school avoidance, vandalism and muggin’. Me
wife might even go for this City and Guilds in
prostitution - it would certainly bring in the
dosh.’
‘That’s the
attitude. A willingness to change is so important.
If you and your family can do well in those basic
studies then you’d be off to a very good
start. Who knows, you might even graduate to
petrol bomb manufacture and advanced rioting.’
‘Can I apply now for
an ‘ouse on the Poorville Estate.’
‘Certainly, I’ve
an application form here. Can I take a false
name…?’
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