Healthy Living
‘Hello Mr Olden. Thank
you for letting me interview you for BBC news.’
‘No problem, son.’
‘You are England’s
oldest man, at one hundred and eighteen years.’
‘So they say.’
‘To what do you
attribute your longevity?’
‘Well, it’s
probably down to a number of things. For example,
I’ve never exceeded my maximum recommended
daily alcohol intake.’
‘Research certainly
shows that must have contributed to your long
life.’
‘I suppose it did. But
then all my friends kept getting rat-arsed and
having a better time than I did. I was always too
sober to let myself go. Also, I was always the
driver.’
‘Did you follow other
healthy lifestyle guidelines?’
‘I maintained a strict
vegetarian diet.’
‘Statistics show that
would have added eight years to your life.’
‘I hate soddin’
vegetables. I don’t know why I did it.’
‘Ah… I also
gather you never succumbed to un-prescribed drugs.’
‘Even when my friends
were stoned out of their heads and having the
time of their lives… I must have been
bonkers.’
‘Er… Let’s
move on to your exercise regime?’
‘Oh yes. A five mile
run every morning; a two mile swim every evening.
Never missed a day.’
‘Remarkable.’
‘I loathed it. My
psychiatrist said it was driven by an underlying
obsessive-compulsive disorder. I couldn’t
stop myself.
‘I see… What
about sexual restraint?’
‘I saved myself until
marriage, and then Mavis and I did, well you
know, every three months. I was never unfaithful.’
‘Despite the dreadful
moral example that I gather was set by your
friends?’
‘They were all
swinging, and screwing anything that moved…
I wish I’d joined them… What stopped me?’
‘Um…You were
happily married for fifty-five years?’
‘I should’ve
ditched the frigid old bitch and shacked-up with
the au pair.’
‘Er… After one
hundred and eighteen years of healthy living, do
you have any advice for our viewers?’
‘I wish I’d got
regularly pissed, stoned on dope, scoffed yummy
grub, lazed around all day and screwed as often,
and in the variety of ways, that my friends did.’
‘If you’d have
done all that, you might have died thirty years
ago.’
‘It's true that all my
old friends pased away thirty years ago, but I
would have died happy, with them. For the last
thirty years, I’ve just been surrounded by
the tedious healthy living brigade, banging on
about diet and exercise. George next door was a
real lifestyle zealot. He probably would’ve
lived to be older than me.’
‘What happened to him?’
‘Well, I suppose I can
tell you, now. It’s too late to make any
difference. I got so sick of him evangelising
about his lifestyle that I killed him last week.
He’s buried under the patio.
‘I see… I think I
ought to be leaving now… Do you have a final
message for today’s young people from your
long experience of healthy living?’
‘I certainly do.
Ignore it. Do what the hell you like… No one
lives for ever, and life’s not a
soddin’ longevity contest.’
‘Er… Thank you Mr
Olden. Good night.’
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