England Prepares
For Scottish Independence
On Burns Night, 2012, the
BBC broadcast to English viewers and listeners,
Scotland’s First Minister, Alex Salmond,
reading poems by Robert Burns.
Few will forget the
chilling threat that followed this attack.
‘Ah will continue tae reid th' poems ay
Rabbie Burns at ye sassenachs,’ vowed a
visibly crazed Mr Salmond, ‘until Scootlund
achieves independence. Indeed,’ he added,
with wild eyes bulging and voice rising to a
crescendo, ‘if Scootlund isnae independent
within tois years, Ah will progress tae th' works
ay William McGonagall!!’
British Prime Minister,
David Cameron, immediately released a statement
urging the English to remain calm. ‘This is
a serious and credible threat,’ the Prime
Minister concluded, ‘but it is also a wake-up
call for us all to expedite the work that needs
to be completed before I can grant freedom to the
colony.’
‘There is much that
must be put in place prior to Scottish
independence,’ confirmed Home Secretary,
Theresa May. ‘For example, the Scots have
done a fine job in looking after English oil
reserves in the North Sea. Prior to independence,
however, the extent of English territorial waters
will obviously need to be extended to encompass
our wells.
‘As with any
separation,’ continued Mrs May, ‘there
are likely to be arguments to resolve over who
will take which possessions - rather like the
debate about who should have the CDs after a
relationship break-up. We will certainly be
pushing to keep Andy Murray and the islands that
produce pure malt whiskies.
‘Clearly,’ she
added, ‘strict controls on immigration into
England from Scotland will need to be introduced
at once. We cannot have a situation where
uncontrolled numbers of foreigners with unhealthy
lifestyles and incomprehensible accents are
surging across our northern border. I have
already requested that the UK Border Agency make
certain the England/Scotland border is clearly
marked and fenced to ensure that Scots cannot
simply stagger or fall into England whilst
intoxicated.’
‘The security risk
must also be considered,’ warned Jonathan
Evans, Director General of MI5. ‘Scots must,
in future, be very carefully vetted before being
appointed to influential positions in England. A
nightmare scenario could occur if a Scotsman
became Chancellor, or even Prime Minister, and
then sabotaged the English economy.’
‘The question of a new
Scottish monarch must be addressed,’ noted
Her Majesty, Queen Elizabeth II in an
uncharacteristic press conference. ‘Frankly,’
she told reporters, ‘One will be glad to be
rid of them. They have never forgiven the
rightful monarchs of England for the execution of
that traitor, Mary, Queen of Scots. It should all
have been sorted at Culloden in 1746,’ she
added, sadly shaking her head.
‘You know,’ Her
Majesty continued with nostalgia,
‘One’s favourite verse of the National
Anthem is never sung anymore. It was added in
1745 at the time of the Jacobite rebellion.’
She stood, causing the assembled media
representatives to rise in the traditional
gesture of respect, ‘It went like this,’
she said. She cleared her throat and began to
sing:
‘Lord, grant that
Marshal Wade,
May by thy mighty aid,
Victory bring.
May he sedition hush,
and like a torrent rush,
Rebellious Scots to crush,
God save the King . . . er . . . Queen . . . er .
. . Me.’
Requests for applications
for the new Monarch of Scotland have already
appeared in the press. The death of Idi Amin in
2003 has robbed the competition of one of its
most enthusiastic applicants, but others on the
shortlist are believed to include: Sean Connery,
Susan Boyle, Billy Connelly, Sheena Easton,
Gordon Brown, Lulu, Jackie Stewart and Nessie.
Other, less obvious,
matters must also be considered prior to Scottish
independence.
‘Work is certainly
required to remove Scottish words from the Oxford
English Dictionary,’ explained John
Simpson, current editor of the OED.
‘Fortunately, the dictionary is currently
undergoing a thoroughgoing revision and update
and, in anticipation of Scottish independence,
Scottish words are being removed from OED3 as
they are encountered. We have just completed
“H”,’ he confirmed, ‘with the
consequent deletion of “haggis” and
“Hogmanay”.’
‘The largest practical
problem in relation to Scottish independence will
be the separation of the landmasses,’
confirmed Professor John Ludden, Executive
Director of the British Geological Survey.
‘We are fortunate, however, that there is a
natural joint between the two countries. During
the Silurian period, about 444 million years ago,
plate tectonics caused the landmass that is now
Scotland to collide with the landmass that is now
England. It should be possible to once again
separate the two by a combination of controlled
explosions along the border and by pumping water,
under pressure, into the crack.’
‘After the separation
has taken place,’ confirmed William Hague,
UK Secretary of State for Foreign and
Commonwealth Affairs, ‘responsibility will
shift from the Home Office to my Department. We
will then tow Scotland away from England. There
are no specific plans about where to put it,’
he admitted. ‘We thought we would just leave
it somewhere in the North Atlantic and let the
Scots sort it out from there.
‘The vacant area of
sea, north of England, will, naturally, provide
opportunities to accommodate other landmasses,’
continued Mr Hague. ‘One of Scotland’s
key contributions to England has been the
prevention of sea erosion on England’s
northern border, and this will, or course, end.
As a result, we plan to move the Falklands from
the South Atlantic to occupy the coastal area
immediately north of the Cheviot Cliffs. This
will both address the erosion problem and keep
Port Stanley out of the clutches of those bloody
Argies.
‘In addition to the
obvious benefits of not constantly hearing
results of Celtic and Rangers matches; restoring
proper, southern accents to the English airwaves;
losing RBS; avoiding Scottish bad weather moving
south, and not having to watch a broadcast from
Edinburg on every bloody New Year’s Eve,’
said Mr Hague, ‘we believe that the
departure of Scotland from the UK will provide
many great advantages for England. If the
separation is successful,’ he concluded,
‘and now that we have dumped Europe, we may
even consider ways to dispose of those irritating
Welsh.’
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