Anti-Matter 'Missing'
From Universe Is Found
Cosmology’s biggest
mystery has been solved due to pioneering work at
CERN.
The Big Bang Theory
predicts that the universe should contain equal
quantities of matter and anti-matter. The fact
that only matter had been observed led
cosmologists to ask what had happened to the
other fifty per-cent of our universe?
Scientists at CERN recently
manufactured sufficient quantities of anti-matter
to examine its properties, and confirmed that
these are indistinguishable from those of matter.
This led to the startling realisation that
objects made of anti-matter may be all around us.
‘Such an object would
be undetectable until it came into contact with
its “matter twin” – its identical
twin, made of matter,’ clarified a
spokesperson from CERN. ‘If such contact
occurred, however, each would totally annihilate
the other. We were able to test our theory,' she
continued, 'when trees were located in the Amazon
rainforest that appeared identical in all
respects to trees in similar climatic conditions
in Borneo. When we brought together twigs from
corresponding trees, matter/anti-matter
annihilations occurred. This proved that an
object made of matter can coexist with its anti-matter
twin, as long as they never touch.'
‘Anti-matter had been
with us all along,’ confirmed a delighted
Adam Bomb, the leader of the CERN team who made
the discovery. ‘We simply never spotted it
as it looks just like matter. It seems likely,’
Professor Bomb continued, ‘that chance
encounters between “matter objects” and
their “anti-matter twins” occur from
time to time, but have been incorrectly
interpreted. For example, we believe that a
number of missing person reports may be
explicable in terms of people accidently meeting
their anti-matter twins.’
‘My Uncle George said
he was going to meet a previously unknown twin
brother who he’d located on the Internet,’
reported a tearful relative to BBC News.
‘Later, they only found one charred boot,’
she sobbed. ‘I think he may have met my Anti-Uncle
George.’
Airlines have reacted to
this discovery by refusing to allow similar
looking passengers to travel on the same aircraft.
‘We are concerned that a terrorist and his
or her anti-matter twin might separately board a
plane,’ said a spokesperson for British
Airways, ‘and then touch each other at 35,
000 feet.’
Due to the energy released
during matter/anti-matter annihilations, many
scientists now believe this could be an
explanation for the phenomenon of spontaneous
human combustion. Certainly there is renewed
international concern about the consequences of
matter and anti-matter meeting in other than
laboratory settings.
Australia and New Zealand
have issued a joint statement asking for calm
amongst residents of the Antipodes. ‘We will
be urgently using all methods at our disposal to
establish the location of the Podes,’
confirmed Australian Prime Minister, Julia
Gillard. ‘We will then offer appropriate
safety advice to Antipodean travellers.’
‘In retrospect,
I’m enormously relieved we were able to keep
capitalists and anti-capitalists apart at the G20
protests in 2009,’ admitted the Chief
Constable of the Metropolitan Police, ‘or we
could have had a very explosive situation.’
Italian restaurants are
reported to be tightening their already stringent
procedures for the storage of pasta and antipasta.
Physicists now understand
that when a “matter object” is created,
its anti-matter twin spontaneously comes into
existence, and visa versa. This leads to the
question of why more pairs of identical objects
are not routinely observed?
‘It’s because,
due to quantum effects in the 13th dimension,
matter or anti-matter twins can spontaneously
appear anywhere in the universe,’ explained
Professor Jet Propulsion at his personal
laboratory in Pasadena, California.
‘It’s been a highly classified secret
for over forty years that the Apollo 11
astronauts found an obelisk on the moon,’ he
continued. ‘We assumed it to be evidence of
extra-terrestrials, but now realise that it was
the spontaneously generated, anti-matter twin of
an early Ikea wardrobe.’
A worrying fashion trend
has developed for celebrities to attempt to
locate terrestrial, anti-matter twins of their
own possessions, and then exhibit both within
feet of each other in their homes. Amy Winehouse
was recently pictured on the cover of Hello
Magazine holding a bottle of wine in one
hand and its anti-matter twin in the other.
‘This is insanely
dangerous,’ said a spokesperson from the
Atomic Weapons Establishment at Aldermaston,
‘especially for someone who may be under the
influence of cocaine or anti-cocaine, or possibly
both.’
‘It’s impossible
for members of the public to distinguish between
objects made of matter and those made of anti-matter,’
warned Sergeant Tom Ahawk of the British Army
Bomb Disposal Team. ‘The public are being
advised to be vigilant for any two identical
objects, people, animals or plants that are in
close proximity to each other, and then alert our
team immediately. A lady contacted us recently,
concerned that all the sheep in a field appeared
to her to look the same,’ he continued.
‘It turned out to be a false alarm, but we
would urge the public to always call us, just in
case.’
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