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The Medical Model of Nagging
The conversation of we men in the public
bar has changed little over the years. Topics range every subject
from cars to beer to football to women. Discourse on one subject,
however, has changed dramatically due to more enlightened
attitudes.
There was a time when you would hear
endless angry lamentations on the subject of ‘er indoors’
nagging. Those who spoke thus, look back upon it with some guilt
in the light of modern research into ‘Verbal Irrationality
Syndrome’, or VIS. Neuroscientists have proven that VIS is
an illness which can be genetically predetermined or caused due
to acquired brain injury from, for example, reading romantic
fiction.
The tragedy of this disorder became all too
real to me when my poor, dear wife began to display symptoms. On
the first occasion, I was quietly repairing the car gearbox on
the coffee table in the lounge. Whilst I couldn’t account
for her shouting about oil on the carpet and grease on the
furniture, I thought little more of it. I began to realise that
something was seriously wrong, however, on the last day of the
football season, with United’s relegation hanging on their
final game. I was obviously distracted with worry over the
possibility of the Team dropping to the fourth division of the
‘All Hampshire Pub League’. Far from supporting me,
Angela simply nagged on and on about me having, I think
understandably, overlooked that it was her birthday.
I went to see her GP, Doctor Ladd, on the
very next day. I knew him well as he too was a lifelong United
supporter. He was quickly able to diagnose VIS from my
description of events. He explained that the condition was
treatable with medication. However, a symptom of the illness was
that sufferers did not recognise that they were unwell and so
would not accept treatment. We resolved that desperate
circumstances required extreme measures, and he gave me some
tablets that I could secretly add to her food.
There was a marked improvement within days.
As the doctor had warned, however, there were side effects that
arose from the fact that the medication had some of the
properties of male hormones. Dr Ladd had explained that treatment
had developed from the observation that nagging was ‘sex-specific’
to women. Managing the illness thus required women to develop a
greater degree of male characteristics.
Angela’s new found interest in cars
and football was certainly refreshing. I shortly became
concerned, however, about what seemed to me to be her rather
unhealthy interest in that attractive young woman who lives over
the road. My worst fears were confirmed when she left me to move
in with this neighbour. After a while, however, I began to
appreciate the advantages of being able to leave car parts around
the house together with my collection of artistic magazines. The
pizza and curry delivery boys are always polite and prompt with
my dinner, and I have now employed a cleaner.
All in all, I think things have worked out
rather well.
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