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The Fashion Icon
Thinking back, I had noticed an unusually
large number of moustached and bespectacled men, such as myself,
purchasing mackerel - my favourite food. There had also been
something of an upsurge in the price of second hand Skodas, like
mine, as these had become increasingly sought-after. The
connection between these observations, however, only became
totally apparent when my wife persuaded me to shop for a new
jacket.
I had worn my favourite jacket for many
years, and I had to agree that the elbows had become rather
threadbare and the regularly overfilled pockets had become
irreversibly misshapen. There was no longer a purpose in seeking
another button as a mate for the one which remained attached. On
entering several clothes shops, therefore, I was disappointed to
note that fashionable modern jackets were exact copies of the one
I was wearing. It was obvious that I had become a ‘Fashion
Icon’.
I thought back to the days when the public
tried to emulate the appearance, behaviour and lifestyle of the
rich and famous. A change in hairstyle by a famous footballer
could be seen in every town on the following week. All, of
course, wished to be original and exclusive. Eventually, it
dawned on people that copying the rich and famous was anything
but original and was also self demeaning. This gave the fashion
industry a problem - what could fashion be based upon? Any design
would be as contrived as the now rejected styles of the past.
‘Unplanned Authenticity’ was needed.
So it was that undercover fashion scouts
searched the British Isles for individuals with no conventional
fashion sense and a complete disinterest in modern lifestyles.
Once located, however, they could not be alerted to the fact that
they were ‘Fashion Icons’. To be aware would have
destroyed their ‘UA’. Icons would inevitably, of
course, discover eventually - as I had done. The fashion scouts
would then move on.
Hamish Mactavish was one of the first. He
neither read magazines nor watched television. One summer,
however, he left his fishing boat in harbour in the western isles
of Scotland and journeyed to the mainland for a holiday. He was
not an unintelligent man and the huge numbers of sou’
westers sported by those he met, particular on hot, dry days,
soon led to suspicion. Cosmetic companies marketing cream to
increase wrinkles, and southerners smoking pipes like his and
feigning a western isle accent, confirmed matters. Hamish was
removed from the ‘UA’ list.
I realised that my days as a ‘Fashion
Icon’ were similarly numbered. I had to act quickly to
impose my creative mark on fashion history. It took three weeks
for the fashion world to recognise my awareness and for my
personal style and habits to fade from public consciousness. I
was pleased in that period, however, to note the trend for
flowerpots to be worn on heads as accessories to green and pink
striped straightjackets. Also the tying of legs together,
requiring the fashion-conscious to hop everywhere. Finally, of
course, the donation by all of a large cash sum to charity - I
felt that fashion should produce a useful outcome at least once
in its history.
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