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The Annual Report
Dear Shareowlders,
They tell me this cumpany awetta do a
report this tima year to say ow fings are. Sorry me ritin aint
two good. I worked mosta me life doin plumin, decratin an jobs on
bildin sites, so I aint used to bein chairman of a big
internashenel murchant bank.
Gettin works bin a big problem since all
them bleedin managers from big cumpanies got fedup with the
stress of their jobs and changed careers to lern a trade. Now the
cuntrees got loadsa plumers, bricklayas, plasteras, decoratas and
the like. Every soddin one of em wiv bleedin degrees, so there
aint no chance o the likes of me an me mates gettin a proper job
no more.
Course, cos all the middel classes have got
the jobs of us workers, thers no one left to manage the bleedin
cumpanies. I didnt want to be a f**kin top executive, but the
bloke at the job center said that was all there was, and theyed
stop me soddin benefit if I turned down anuvver seenya post - so
ere I am.
Mind you, it aint as stressful fer me as it
was for all them cleva blokes. I aint got a bleedin clue what Im
doin, so there aint nuffin to worry about.
Ive ad a bit of elp. The bloke who came to
fix the pipes in the toilet ad bin the managin directer of ICI,
so e gave me some tips. That bloke who paintid me office ad bin
finance managa of the biggest muwti-nationawl cumpany in the
world - cant remember its name. E said the acounts would make
more sense if I wernt tryin to read em upside-down. Didnt make
much difference thow.
Anyway, I dont no ow the bank is doin, but
as all us managers in all the big cumpanies avent got a GCSE
between us, nun o the uvvers do eever. No one invests wiv us
anymore, anyway. Workers just get there pay packets at the end o
the week and spend it all.
Ive got a plan, though. Im doin nite
classes in acowntin. One fing I rememba about big cumpanys from
readin the Sun newspapa is that the main job of the top blokes is
to give emselves uge pay rises. Betta still, if they are
completely f**kin useless and av no idea wot there doin - a bit
like me - they give emseleves an even uger sum of money just to
leave!
As soon as I lern enuf about acowntin to do
it, therefore, I’m gonna pay meself ten millon quid to piss
off.
I cant be doin too bad tho. I read the
exexcutiv sumary of this report to the bloke who fixed me car the
uvver day - ed bin the chief exec of anuvva muwti-nationawl. The
summary is that none of the management no what theyre doin. Were
cluless about the state of the cumpany, but its probably a f**kin
disasta, an were all tryin to get away with as much dosh as
possible before it collapses.
This mechanic bloke said ed just about got
the ang of is new job, and e rekoned I ad too.
Albert Grabber.
Chief Executive.
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