|
Many Thanks
Dear Employee,
As Chief Executive of your company, I
usually write at this time of year to thank you for all your hard
work and dedication during the past twelve months.
Although I have sent such a letter to all
staff annually for the past ten years, the task of writing my
traditional ‘thank you’ missive is now more complicated
than on previous occasions. The very general nature of this
annual morale booster, coupled with the fact that I have no
inclination to visit the shop floor to meet any of you, has led
some staff to feel that my message is too non-specific to be
experienced with any sincerity.
In particular, many of you may recall the
tragic events of last year when Mrs Mason of the finance
department murdered Mr Robinson, her head of section, and
subsequently eviscerated him, draping his vital organs around the
photocopier. His relatives felt that my subsequent ‘Thanks
and well done to one and all’ message implied approval of
her actions.
Nothing could be further from the truth,
and, indeed, I subsequently issued an amended version which read:
‘Thanks and well done to one and all - except Mrs Mason.’
This, however, led many of you to identify
other staff who had demonstrated very little hard work and
dedication, and many names were forwarded to add to the list of
exclusions. Whilst the Trade Union did not challenge the
assertion that Mrs Mason’s behaviour was inappropriate in
the workplace, the naming of others who were known to be useless
and idle was considered to be discriminatory, so this style of
letter had to be discontinued.
Herein lies my dilemma. I am most grateful
to those staff who selflessly work on, despite poor pay and
Dickensian conditions, to fund my mansion, Mercedes and yacht. I
am not best pleased, however, with the whinging, pathetic
layabouts who can’t bring themselves to do a decent day’s
work and immediately go off long-term sick with so called ‘stress’
if anyone dare hint at the fact.
This year therefore, I am not writing a
‘Thank you and well done’ letter but rather I wish to
communicate with those of you who would have long since left the
payroll had it not been for all the namby-pamby liberal
employment legislation. I want you scrounging bastards to know
that I hate you all and I hope you rot in Hell after a
particularly nasty accident with some of our older and unguarded
machinery.
It’s no small wonder that we are
losing money hand over fist while you sit on you fat backsides
doing bugger-all. Well, just remember that we know who you are,
and, when the inevitable redundancies begin in the very near
future, you will be the first ones to go, and there is nothing
you can do about it as we will say we are downsizing and you were
good workers and we are sorry to loose you. That way the
employment tribunals can’t touch us.
AhHaHaHaHaHaHaHaHaHaHaHaHaHaHa!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Yours sincerely,
A Harrison.
Chief Executive.
|
