IQ
The phone rings and Sarah
answers.
‘Hello, this is Sarah
from the Samaritans. How can I help you?’
‘I’ve just had
some rather bad news.’
‘Would you like to
talk about it?’
‘Yes. I’ve just
had the result of my intelligence test.’
‘And you found that
upsetting?’
‘Yes. My IQ came out
at 180.’
‘I don’t know
much about these things, but that’s
exceptionally high, isn’t it?’
‘It certainly is. It
puts me in the top thousandth of the population.’
‘Many people would be
delighted with that. What about it troubles you?’
‘Well, I can’t
understand most of the control functions on my TV
or video or DVD player. I find the wash routines
on the washing machine bewildering. The questions
on my tax returns, and most other official forms,
look like they’ve been written in some
foreign language.’
‘I have those problems
too.’
‘Yes, but I imagine
you don’t have an IQ of 180...er...I mean
that statistically...nothing personal.’
‘No offence taken.
You’re probably right. I didn’t do that
well at school. But I still don’t really
understand what’s so upsetting for you.’
‘Well, if I’m not
clever enough to cope with modern living,
virtually nobody else can be either. The fate of
this planet must be mostly in the hands of people
who are less able than me, so the situation must
be hopeless. We’re all doomed!!’
‘I see. But it’s
not just about being clever, you know.’
‘Isn’t it?’
‘No. It’s about
being nice too. The fate of the planet probably
has more to do with people caring about each
other than about being clever.’
‘Oh God...that’s
awful!!!’
‘I’m sorry,
you’ve lost me again.’
‘I’m a complete
bastard. I don’t give a damn about anyone
but myself. I never contact my grey-haired old
mother. I hate animals and children.’
‘Well, you probably
can’t change how clever you are, but you can
make an effort to be nicer.’
‘How?’
‘Take some interest in
other people. Visit your mum. Send some money to
a charity for animals or children.’
‘Will that make me
feel better?’
‘I don’t know.
Try it. If you make an effort to behave in that
way, then, gradually, that might be the sort of
person you become.’
‘I thought you said
you weren’t clever?’
‘There’s
different sorts of ‘clever’.’
‘Do you think I ought
to stop bullying the people who work for me?’
‘It might help the
growth of the new you.’
‘And stop spreading
lies to discredit those who disagree with me?’
‘I think so.’
‘And stop claiming to
passionately believe any damn thing which focus
groups indicate will impress the electorate, just
to gain votes?’
‘I thought I
recognised your voice.’
‘Oh God....Are you
going to sell this to the papers?’
‘No. The Samaritans
are totally confidential.’
‘Are you really this
decent and ethical?’
‘I try to be.’
‘Are there others like
you?’
‘Millions.’
‘Thank you, Sarah. The
polls show that we politicians are out of touch
with the people. Now I think I understand why.
Goodnight.’
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