|
Higher Education
‘I’m worried, John. We’re
never going to increase the number of graduates this university
produces to meet government targets.’
‘Why not?’
‘Well, just look at this graph of
intelligence distribution in the population. We used to select
the most able, then, as the target numbers increased, we were
forced to recruit students with lower ability. To hit higher
targets now we’ll have to move into the SP range.’
‘SP?’
‘Short planks.’
‘It’s simply a matter of
tailoring the courses to the aptitudes of the students.’
‘In the past, perhaps. Leisure Centre
Management and Sports Science were great successes. The students
we’re supposed to be attracting now are too stupid even for
Media Studies.’
‘Don’t worry, the BA course will
solve all that.’
‘BA in what?’
‘Not in anything. BA stands for ‘Bugger
All’. It’s our new undergraduate programme.’
‘What’s it about?’
‘Nothing. That’s the beauty of it.
Students develop an in-depth understanding across a broad range
of topics with a common theme of insubstantial nullity. At least
that’s what we’ve said in the prospectus.’
‘How do we teach ‘nothing’?’
‘We start by modelling the core
philosophical concepts of non-existence in the fabric of the
course structure.’
‘In what way?’
‘There are no lectures, tutorials, set
books or anything like that. In fact there are no staff
whatsoever in the BA faculty.’
‘Isn’t that a waste of a
building?’
‘What building?’
‘OK, so aren’t the students at a
bit of a loose end?’
‘Well, not really. Even the
traditional courses only have around one lecture a fortnight with
the remaining time for private study and research. Most students
are too drunk, stoned or hung-over to turn up for that lecture
anyway, so the student experience of the BA course isn’t
substantially different. Did you know that a recent MORI poll
showed that, by their second year, eighty-four percent of student
can’t recall the subject of the degree they’re studying
any more?’
‘How is the BA course assessed?’
‘By assignments.’
‘About?’
‘Nothing, of course.’
‘When do they submit them?’
‘Never.’
‘So nobody fails?’
‘Precisely. And thus our graduate
statistics rise.’
‘This sounds very well thought out.
How long is the course?’
‘Three years, although there is a four
year option in which a year is spent away from university
undertaking some form of practical, hands-on inactivity. We’ve
already made arrangements for placements in organisations which
specialise in quiescence and inertia.’
‘Such as?’
‘The police are accepting placements
in their burglary investigation division, for example. Many
builders and tradesman employ people not to turn up for
prearranged appointments with householders.’
‘This is going to attract lots of
students. What about the impact on the university infrastructure,
not to speak of student accommodation in the city?’
‘We can screen-out at interview
students who would cause those problems. We don’t accept
those with excessive corporeality.’
‘You mean you only accept applicants
who don’t exist?’
‘They’re the ones who show the
greatest affinity with the subject matter.’
‘Brilliant, John. Our jobs are saved.’
|
