Accent and
Emergency
Large areas of East London
remained cordoned-off today by the army and
police. Elsewhere in the country, people from
East London are being asked to make their way,
silently, to rapidly constructed isolation
centres.
Medical experts and
linguists have been working through the night to
begin to answer the question of how the cockney
accent could have mutated into the highly
contagious strain which has affected thousands in
the UK during the past seven days.
The very rapid spread of
the accent was terrifyingly illustrated to the
Nation and Commonwealth yesterday when Her
Majesty began her Christmas message with the
words ‘Cor blimey wot a bleedin’ year
it’s bin.’
A spokesperson for the
Department of Health revealed that the new strain
appears to be even more virulent than the
American accent which swept across the United
States leaving the English language in ruins.
Once infected with ‘cockneyII’, a
victim is unable to modify his or her speech to
any other form. The number of syllables which
constitutes an infectious dose is still being
researched, although cases have been reported
after viewing just four episodes of Eastenders.
Those who have been in
contact with East Londoners are being advised to
contact their doctors as soon as possible. No
diagnostic tests have yet been developed, but
early symptoms can be identified. These include
dropping of ‘Hs’ at the start of words
and ‘Gs’ at the end, together with the
meaningless, random interjection of swear words
as adjectives into sentences. The Master of an
Oxfordshire hunt was recently saved by an alert,
medically trained, fellow member who heard the
words ‘Me soddin’ groom’s gettin’
me bleedin’ ‘orse so I can join the
pissin’ ‘ounds for a spot of f**kin’
‘untin’’.
He was rushed to the
Radcliff Royal Infirmary in Oxford and
immediately treated with tape recordings of Her
Majesty the Queen reading speeches. This is
currently the only known treatment, and
clinicians must weigh-up the risk to the patient
from the disease as compared to the risk of dying
from boredom during treatment. Fortunately this
man recovered with only a slight residual
tendency to lapse into rhyming slang.
Professionals working with
victims have been issued with special protective
helmets that distort the sound of voices speaking
to them. They are trained to look away from
victims during conversations to reduce the risk
of lip reading. They are also provided with
equipment that monitors exposure to the accent
and are checked daily to ensure the recommended
dose is not exceeded.
There have already been
claims for compensation made by two Scottish
nurses who were exposed to the accent while
working in an East London A&E department.
They argued, through an interpreter, that no one
could understand a word they were saying due to
their accents since they were infected. This case
was dismissed on the grounds that no one could
understand a word they were saying due to their
accents before they were infected.
As fear grips the bleedin’
country all we can do is be soddin’ vigilant......Ahhhhhh......
|
