What's the
Damage, Squire?
Me, me family an’ me
mates like nothin’ better than a really good
party.
This used to cause loads o’
grief. Just last year, we took over our local
pub, the Risin’ Sun, for a bash. The
customers and staff kept complainin’ about
the noise, the excessive drinkin’, the
rowdiness, the assaults, the rapes, the murders,
the arson and so on. It took a lot o’ fun
out o’ the do. It was only next mornin’,
as I stood with the owner lookin’ at the
smolderin’ remains o’ the pub buildin’,
that a better plan for future parties was ‘atched
between us.
We ain’t short o’
a bob or two, although the pub owner was a bit
surprised when I got out me wad and slipped
‘im a million in fifties to pay for the
party and rebuild the pub. ‘e was more
surprised when I asked for a bookin’ for
next year - when ‘e‘d got the place
more to rights, like. After a bit o’
thought, he accepted. It would pay more to build
a new place just for our party than it would to
run it is as a pub and restaurant for a year.
Buildin’ specifically
to purpose allowed a number of innovative
features. As they only needed usin’ for one
night, chairs could be robust enough to sit on,
but break easily when smashed over someone’s
‘ed. Windows could be made of theatrical
glass so there was no unnecessary arteries
severed by those thrown through ‘em. There
was time to recruit ex SAS soldiers as waiters
and bar staff and issue ‘em with kevlar
clothin’ to protect ‘em from most o’
the knives and stray bullets.
After a small cash
contribution to the Chief Constable’s
retirement fund, the police even agreed to
evacuate an’ cordon off the ‘alf-mile
surrounding the pub on the night o’ the
party.
On the night, I first
thought that the kevlar protection for the staff
‘ad been a mistake when me mates kept callin’
‘em all ‘Kev’. Pissin’-off ex
SAS men, ‘owever, just led to ‘em wadin’
into the fights too, so that was loads better
than last year when the staff were really borin’
and just cowered in a corner and prayed.
One great plan was the
buildin’ of a swimmin' pool and fillin’
it with punch. Even them what drowned ‘ad a
fantastic night.
I admit it might ‘av
been a mistake to store all the fireworks for our
‘uge, planned display in the smokin’
area o’ the pub. Still, people got to see
the display, close up, without ‘avin’
to go out in the cold. Also it gave the local
emergency services a chance to test their Major
Civil Emergency Plan.
All in all, this year, it
was f**kin’ brilliant. The do was just last
night and the landlord’s already got some
JCBs in to fill the crater so work can begin on
rebuildin’ the pub for next year.
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