Tickets, Please
When cheap import of
Spanish china clay closed Cornish workings and
led to redundancy, I feared I might never again
earn a living in the county.
I purchased the hand-held
ticket machine from a bric-a-brac and objet d’art
shop on the narrow streets of Fowey. It is a
magnificent piece of mechanical engineering: Once
loaded with ink and paper, it can repeatedly
print any text. The sale of its output to
visitors has restored my income and my pride.
My first customers were
harvesting blackberries beside the road to
Lostwithiel. ‘It’s been a good year for
wild fruit,’ I ventured. ‘And the
council has maintained the cost of picking
permits at just fifty pence.’
I think it prudent to price
modestly. Most visiting walkers I encounter on
footpaths and bridleways consider five pounds
very fair for a ticket allowing unlimited use of
such Cornish tracks for a whole year. Similarly,
many foreign nationals think eight pounds a most
reasonable sum for freely entering any town in
Cornwall without a requirement to report to the
police.
Some visitors, however, are
reluctant, or even indignant, when asked for
payment to undertake activities they believe
should be free. I recall one such exchange with
an American holidaymaker. He declared it to be
madness that a photography permit was required to
capture the myriad picturesque craft moored in
Fowey harbour together with the collage of trees
and buildings clinging to the hillside at
Polruan, beyond.
His annoyance abated when I
explained that his ten pounds also permitted
photographs to be taken from any point on the
Cornish coastline where no other restrictions
applied. He even upgraded, for a further five
pounds, to a three-hundred-and-sixty-degree
permit allowing his lens to be directed both
inland and seawards. My ability, by that time, to
accept credit cards also aided this transaction.
Beaches are a valuable
source of revenue. Dog owners particularly
appreciate permits allowing their pets access to
canine friendly beaches at just five pounds for a
week.
Controversy has been caused
by Beach Naturism Permits, however. I very
actively promote sales to young, slim,
attractive, female sunbathers. Unfortunately, my
refusal to approve such a licence for any
unattractive or overweight lady has resulted in
heated debates. Some undress, there and then, in
protest, and I am compelled to print on-the-spot
fines. These are often defiantly paid - I assume
to maintain moral high ground pending official
complaint against what I sympathetically agree to
be a discriminatory by-law.
My major income derives
from parking due to the expectation generated by
councils throughout the UK that extortionate sums
will be demanded for leaving any vehicle
unattended.
A simple sign reading:
‘All Day Parking - £5.00’ is all that
is required at the entrance to any piece of waste
ground, farmer’s field or private drive to
ensure a steady rate of ticket sales. I employ an
alternative sign that reads: ‘Parking - £3.00
- Maximum Stay Two Hours’ if I expect the
landowner to shortly return.
I write these words while
sitting at the fifteenth century blockhouse
overlooking the entrance to Fowey harbour.
Ribbons of red and gold are being draped across
the western sky by the setting sun. I must
commence ticket sales for this spectacle - a
queue of Japanese tourists has already formed.
Myriad
picturesque craft moored in Fowey harbour
together with
the collage of trees and buildings clinging to
the hillside at Polruan, beyond
(Reproduced by
kind permission of Mr Dwight C. Ewing Jnr. of
Dallas, Texas, USA)
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