Sponsorship
I firmly believe that those
of us who have been fortunate enough to attain
any degree of affluence should have no hesitation
in unstintingly giving to charitable causes. I
had always taken this line, and had frequently
given, whenever asked, with little thought about
my donation.
It had come to my attention
in recent years, however, that requests for a
straightforward donation to a charity had become
less frequent. More often, an individual had
committed to undertake a specific task, and would
be seeking sponsorship for its completion. The
London Marathon was a fine case in point.
Certainly, anyone who can walk twenty-six
miles through London in the mid-summer heat, even
if not dressed as a large furry animal, is
welcome to my money for his or her cause.
Other sponsored tasks,
however, gave me cause to reflect. I sponsored a
work colleague who was planning to walk the Great
Wall of China, and then another who was planning
to visit the great Aztec and Inca monuments of
South America. I must make it clear that, in both
cases, all the donated money went to the
nominated charities, and the individuals
concerned paid their own expenses. Nevertheless,
they were clearly being sponsored for having a
good time and doing what they would have done
anyway, without sponsorship. This realisation led
to two major changes in my charitable donation
strategy.
The first was that I now
only sponsor those who are doing something that
they do not want to do. There is, therefore, an
element of sacrifice involved. This caused
requests for sponsorship to significantly reduce
initially, until friends and colleagues began to
think it through. I am now proud to have
sponsored George in Finance for having his mother-in-law
stay for a week. Janice in Sales has raised
nearly two hundred pounds for Great Ormond Street
by regularly visiting her old and disabled,
though cantankerous and vitriolic, aunt. Also,
Mavis in Despatch has gained nearly one thousand
pounds for the National Heart Foundation by
agreeing to have sex with her, rather boring but
nevertheless kindly, husband at least once every
two months.
The second change is my own
venture into sponsored activities for charity. I
was delighted to raise nearly five hundred pounds
from my sponsored affair with Sally from the
Stationary Department. Our target of intercourse
twenty-five times in a week was challenging, but
thoughts of the desperate need of earthquake
victims in Asia drove us onwards to success. My
recent sponsored tour of the Greek islands was
also extremely lucrative for Oxfam, especially
with the bonus of ten pence from each sponsor for
every whole bottle of Retzina consumed.
I am painfully aware,
however, that the above contributions are but a
drop in the ocean compared to the massive need
for humanitarian funding. This is why I am now
writing to young actresses, alcohol manufacturers
and drug suppliers, worldwide, to gain support
for my proposed, sponsored ‘sexdrugsandboozeathon’.
It is undoubtedly an ambitious target to have
sexual intercourse with a constant stream of the
world’s most desirable women whilst
consuming prodigious quantities of alcohol and
drugs. A simple viewing of any evening news
programme, however, underlines the ubiquitousness
of poverty and suffering. I believe, therefore,
that this is the very least I can do.
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