What's In A Name
by Stephen Philip Druce
I took my
girlfriend to the cinema. I kept the film title a
secret as I wanted to suprise her.
We sat in our
cinema seats eating popcorn as the lights dimmed
for the introduction of the movie. I felt a
tingle of exitement as the opening credits
appeared on the screen.
Starring -
HILDA SPLAT
SID PIPES
TED SPLODGE
CHARLIE SMAT.
The audience
started giggling - "what are they sniggering
at?" said my girlfriend.
"They're
laughing at the credit names - they're a puerile
bunch here. I'm sure there are some iconic
hollywood names in the film" I said.
FANNY STUMP
GERTRUDE PUFF
OLIVE CRUMPLE
DR. BILL SLOP.
The audience's
chuckles gained momentum with each name credited.
"This crowd is really starting to irritate
me now" she said.
HERBERT PAP
LORD SPONGE
MOLLY FLAPS
IVY CHIPS.
The audience
roared in hysterics - "I've had enough of
this, where are the star-studded names? -
Nicholson, Cruise, Streep, Clooney, Diaz"
she said.
ALFIE SNACK
BOB FLANGE
TREVOR SMESH
STAN BUFF.
The audience
guffawed to the point of passing out - coughing
their snacks into the air - "where are the
star-studded names damn it?, why are they still
laughing? - it's not a comedy" she said
CYRIL CHURMS
CEDRIC BUNCE
GEOFF SQUIRMES
MAGGIE PINGO.
The audience
screamed with joy - tears rolled down their faces
as they rolled down the isle.
The film
started and my wife pulled out a gun and shot the
entire audience dead.
"Why the
hell did you do that?" I yelled.
"Well
they were making so much noise I couldn't hear
the silent film" she said.
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