Toximus
A tale of
cookery, trickery and tyme
by Rick Tornello
Dramatis
personae: A Cook Wizard-doppelganger, a little
bird, a witch
Toximus, the great wizard-cook to the king was
beside himself. “Look,” he said to
himself standing there, “I know we had the
secret recipes. It was here when the white witch
was inspecting the galley.”
His other self looked back at him and said,
“So go get it. It’s obvious. She has it.”
The window was open and a little bird just sat
there waiting for crumbs as always. Toximus threw
it some.
It liked Toximus
Toximus turned to himself and wailed, “But
she travels multi-dimensional time lines and I
have to have dinner ready for the party here at
the Castle Toemain, tonight. The king and invited
wizards are expecting a banquet for all the great
magic-cans of this world. Once I write the
recipes down I can never remember them. Alas it
will be my ass. My quest is on.”
His other self yawned, “Oh bother. Just go.
I will be here waiting on your return. The witch
has the recipe and she is probably cooking up
something special, and a whole loaf better than
you, I would guess. ”
“I am you, you, you nut case.”
“No I am another you not you. One can’t
step into the same stream twice. Let me rest here.
Go on your quest. Go save our asses.”
“It’s your life too if I fail,”
Toximus shouted at himself.
Toximus said, “What the hell does a river
that have to do with anything? Every time I need
to think through something, I offer myself little
if any assistance. What good is being magically
schizophrenic? Two heads are better then one they
said when I signed up for the mental modification.
Two heads are just more of the same, compounded.”
“Go, just go,” said the other him as
Toximus discorporated into the great void.
The witch just laughed in her lair. She had the
secret recipe. “Toximus will be beside
himself. That will reduce his ability to locate
me. What a maroon, a real half-a-loafer.”
Toximus was searching all the great kitchens and
inns of the worlds. Every great and small castle
was visited. Cooks and assistants just shrugged
their collective shoulders and went back to their
tasks, feeding the great lords of the multi-D.
“Toximus, you always have an issue with the
great witch. Lock your recipes away. You are a
fool,” They all said.
Back at the castle kitchen, the king came
down and noticed the Toximus he thought was the
great cook.
“Toxiums my great wizard-cook, how goes it?”
Bored and not wanting to put up with a royal jerk,
he said, “Be gone sire. This is a
great secret recipe. Your very presence will all
but ruin it. Shush now, by your leave, please.”
The king backed out of the grand kitchen. Hope
filled his face.
“Here your Majesty. This should hold you for
a while.” Hope is the su chef. She gave him
some pie.
The witch was contemplating the meal. “I
will get to it in just a while. First I will tell
my minions of my great grab. Yum this should be
one of his best, considering who it’s for.
He didn’t invite me so I stole it. HA!
He may be an idiot but he’s a great cook. He
will never get this one back. I knew once written
never remembered as I stole it off the chopping
block.”
Toximus moaned out loud, “I’m at a loss
to figure the solution. I am using all the magic
I know to bend time. I have to keep time from
catching up to the appointed dinner engagement.
What to do?”
A little bird flew by calling, “Look behind
you.” And was gone.
Toximus said, “I’ve seen that bird
before. How did it locate me? Look behind me?
What did that mean?”
Then it hit him. An apple fell out of the tree he
was under. Yes that was it!
Toximus looked back the way he came from and
retraced every place he had just been backwards
in time so everything was in reverse.
He came upon both of him arguing with himself in
the kitchen and continued back before the witch
showed up.
He stopped turned around and faced forward in
time. A shrodinger cat came by and rubbed his leg.
“Yes I get it,” he said. “Of all
the possibilities, I didn’t think of this
one. A little bird told me.”
With a cloak of invisibility he walked back into
the kitchen, snatched his secret recipe and
replaced it with one toxic enough to gag a boa.
“This ought to fix her ass,” he laughed
to himself.
He let happen what did happen. Once she left, he
quickly replaced the real recipe he had searched
all the known multiDs for. “That quest is
over. Now to get back to myself.”
He uttered an incantation and assumed himself
just as he was just before looking for the secret
recipe. “Ah yes here it is. Silly me. I
thought it was gone. Let’s begin.”
His other self looked at himself. “What just
happened?”
Toximus stated, “I don’t think anything
happened, why?”
“I swear this is not right.”
“You’re the paranoid one for a change.
Now let’s get together on this effort.. We
have a banquet to cook.”
The little bird was on the window. Toximus winked,
and threw it a whole loaf of bread.
Rick
Tornello © 2010
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