Rent A God
by Harris Tobias
If you need a God for some purpose
or other, there are plenty of ways to get one:
•You can invent one from scratch like the
Pthalians did and we all know how long that
civilization lasted.
•You can appropriate one of your neighbor’s
Gods, but that is both risky and unreliable. You
can’t expect loyalty from a captive God.
•You can purchase a shiny new one, untried
and untested, right off the shelf. I don’t
have to point out how risky relying on a rookie
god in a tense situation can be—remember
Troy.
•You can recycle a perfectly serviceable but
worn out God. One who has provided protection to
his or her believers for aeons but might not be
all that anxious to take on new clients.
•You can buy a cheap, cut rate, knockoff or
one of hundreds of lesser Gods. These might work
fine for a while but are apt to let you down when
you need them most like when some heathen army is
ramming your gates and you really need a miracle.
That’s when you get what you paid for.
So what’s a prophet or a High Priest to do?
There are lots of ways to get your people a God
but only one that combines the best features of
the expensive brand name models with the
affordability of the inexpensive knock offs—That
way is God Rental.
Now I know what you’re thinking, didn’t
the Phoenicians try that and didn’t they
wind up on the ash heap of history? God Rental
has come a long way since the 3rd century BCE.
New safeguards, new refinements make what
happened to Zentopo, the Mayan city, trampled by
its jealous Sun God, virtually impossible. Our
inspired computer modeling matches your needs
with your budget and you get the best fit. A God
that delivers love and protection in a balanced,
affordable way with out too many demands. Only
the occasional ritual sacrifice and burnt
offering is usually sufficient.
For most purposes you don’t need too much
God. For example, you don’t need Jehovah if
all you want is a good corn harvest. On the other
hand, you aren’t going to vanquish the
Edomites with Zephyrus, Goddess of balmy breezes.
You need the right God for the job. Today’s
God Rental experts are fully trained in these
matters of God compatibility. And as an added
benefit, if your God fails to perform, a
replacement will be furnished without any loss to
your congregation or your pocketbook.
As your religion grows stronger, you can upgrade
your God to a stronger model. If an agrarian God
will no longer suffice for an increasingly war
like people, you simply notify your rental agent
and a stronger God will be supplied. Let us grow
with you. Your success is our success so let’s
work together. The next time you need a God for
any purpose great or small, call the experts,
call Rent A God right now.
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