Jewish Insurgent
Badly Tasered
(alternative
facts from Williamstown, Kentucky)
by David Meech
An unemployed
carpenter has today been transported to
Gauntanamo Bay after gaining unlawful entry to an
amusement park.
Suspicions
were aroused after the individual appeared
suddenly and unlawfully inside the grounds of the
Kentucky Ark Encounter Park in Williamstown,
Kentucky. Fears were raised when crowds began
milling about as he began distributing
unidentified items to the public. Events lead to
full scale police intervention and the storming
of park perimeters. Shots were fired and the
barefooted individual was tasered to the ground,
where witnesses say he was then brutally kicked
and beaten. Police say they were motivated by
fears of another 9-11 incident and that they were
taking no chances whatsoever with suspicious
insurgents, but took care to deny the beating
part.
One member of
the public commented that, “It was just some
bearded Jewish dude throwing bread and fish. He
wasn't going postal or anything.”
“He said
he came back to save us,” added Wilma
Lebowitz, munching on delicious Kentucky style
chicken wings in the expansive Ark Encounter Park
restaurant. “He just appeared out of
nowheres. He sure is tanned though, looks like an
A-rab. He was giving away bread and liquor - must
be one of them socialists, like Bernie.”
The park is
the creation of fundamentalist preacher Ken Ham
and features a gigantic Noah's Ark. The unique
ark is the biggest ark reconstruction in the
Western world and markedly larger that the other
two unique biblical ark reconstructions. Ham says
that the ark is a symbol that, “God judged
sin with a global flood...”
The ark's
timbers have all been sourced from sustainable
woodlots and the vessel features purpose built
access for the disabled. There is also a petting
zoo, shuttles and a commando style adventure
course for American Christians. Inside the ark
are 132 bays with sculptured animals including
selected dinosaurs and a gift shop. The
development has been credited with bringing the
bible (and the odd dinosaur) alive and has been
subsided by a state sponsored tax deal which has
attracted controversy by only employing
Christians, and no Jews.
“We don't
need fundamentalists coming over here and forcing
their weirdo beliefs on folks. We value our
freedoms,” posted Police Chief Riley on
Facebook today, who reportedly shot at but missed
the insurgent, leaving three 45 caliber
bullet holes in the massive wooden timbers of the
ark.
The Facebook
post was later taken down and Chief Riley has
subsequently been placed on administrative leave.
Grant County
police have today denied that the bearded
individual, so far identified only as Yeshua, was
badly beaten by police. “Look y'all we
merely restrained the perp (sic) and were
questioning him. Plus he has an accent, looks
like a Mexican hippy and is real hard to
understand. Hell yeah we shot at him!”
Yeshua has two
cracked ribs and a severely bruised colon. He had
been handcuffed and imprisoned for resisting
arrest. Guards report that he had been asking in
a thick Israeli accent for extra soap. Described
as an undocumented migrant from Jerusalem,
reports indicate that he was attempting to gain
unlawful entry into the ark and then attracted
further attention by paddling about on top of the
waters of the surrounding pools and further by
making outrageous claims of a personal nature.
“He don't
have no green card,” tweeted Police
Spokesperson Abel Fairbrother. “He made wine
and he didn't pay no entry fee. I thought he was
Mexican.”
Yeshua later
refused to either confirm or deny this from his
cell, saying only in a strong Jewish accent,
“Pay Caesar his due.”
The Sheriff's
office today confirmed that traces of crack
cocaine have been found sprinkled over Yeshua's
robes and unkempt beard.
Grant County
Po-lice have denied doing any of the sprinkling.
They have also
denied waterboarding Yeshua prior to his present
incarceration at Guantanamo Bay.
“We leave
that to the experts,” commented Police
Spokesperson Fairbrother on Snapchat, later
reposting a meme of a spread-eagled Yeshua on
Facebook, Facetime, Pinterest, Reddit and then
Instagram.
The pictures
were taken down later that day and Spokesperson
Fairbrother has now been placed on administrative
leave.
Supreme
President Trump today praised the efforts of
local police in detaining the dangerous insurgent.
“We don't need any more Jewish socialists
coming across our borders,” he commented in
a series of outspoken tweets while taking a
prolonged ablution rest somewhere deep inside the
Whitehouse. Later he affirmed that, “This is
not part of our ban on Mexicans.” Sean
Spicer later tweeted, “He meant policy on
Mexicans.” Trump, now sponsored by Twitter,
replied, “Didn't I warn the Chief Justice?
We need that wall now!” Spicer further
denied that Yeshua had been pulling in similar
crowds to those photo shopped into the
Presidential inauguration.
“I am the
most powerful man in the world – and trust
me I am just so great at negotiating deals with
all the major powers, even China...” tweeted
President Trump early this morning, just after
breakfast from deep inside the Whitehouse throne
room.
And in
separate news today the entire state of Kentucky
has been deluged in an overnight flood. President
Trump has tweeted that this is in no way
connected to global warming.
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