Doctor, Doctor!!
by Tom Schmidt
47 year old
Brian McDougal grimaced in discomfort as the
doctor probed his abdomen. “Does this
hurt?” asked the doctor as he continued to
examine the man’s chest.
“Yes, a
little” came the reply from the middle aged
man. The tenderness around his lower ribs
had brought McDougal to Dr. Stanley Penske’s
office. The pain was not intense but rather
just uncomfortable for the middle aged man.
The doctor
stopped his exam in order to make some notes on
his patient chart. “Well, I think you
just have a strained muscle right below your rib
cage.” The doctor continued making his
notes before finally raising his eyes to look at
the man.
“Any idea
how this happened?”
McDougal
looked to his right, trying to divert his eyes
from the young primary care physician. How
much should he tell his doctor? The story
was, well, kind of embarrassing.
“Well, it
might have happened at McGinnity’s Pub last
night….”
“Yes?” Penske
was perplexed at the reluctance of his patient to
talk.
“Um, I
was having a drink with some co-workers and it
happy hour you see…”
“Yes.”
“Um, well,
this young woman Linda McGovern had come in and
was looking over at us. She’s rather
attractive. A redhead you know…”
The doctor
just nodded. Where the hell was this story
going??
“Um, she
started to come over to see us and I…
Well, I…. Um, I decided to suck my
chest in.”
“Suck
your chest in?”
“Yeah,
you know, to make me look flatter.”
Penske looked
perplexingly at the 200 pound McDougal. The
man would have had to suck in an ample gut in
order to look flat.
McDougal
sighed and then continued. “Um, I just
wanted to look better when she came over. You
see she is very attractive. Did I mention
her red hair?”
“Yes you
did.”
“Well, I
didn’t think she would be spending much time
with us so, um, sucking in my chest seemed like a
good idea. But she ended up spending over 15
minutes talking to us.”
“Over 15
minutes?’
“Well, 17
minutes and 24 seconds to be exact.”
“Uh huh.”
“Afterwards,
my lower chest started to hurt and that is why I
came to see you.”
Penske sighed
and thought about what to say. Finally, he
decided to just lay it on the line for his
patient. “Holding your chest in causes
stress on your abdominal muscles. That is why you
have your pain. You just need to let yourself
heal. It will take some time.”
McDougal
sighed as he turned a little red. “Kind of a
dumb thing to do, right?”
Penske nodded
as he started to write on his prescription pad. “So
what were you planning to do when this girl
happens to come by again in the future? Hold
your gut in each time you see her?”
McDougal
looked away as he responded. “I hadn’t
thought that far ahead.”
Penske sighed
as he ripped off the prescription and handed it
over to McDougal.
“What’s
this? A prescription to help with my pain?”
Penske grinned
as he looked at the perplexed patient. “Well,
sort of.”
McDougal read
the paper out loud. “Stay away from
McGinnity’s Pub and pretty red heads”
was all that was written…..
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