Breast Is Best
by Stephen Philip Druce
I was sitting
in a cafe recently and I noticed a baby crying in
the arms of its mother.
"Ah poor
thing - it must be hungry" I said.
"Yes he
is - I forgot to bring his bottle" said the
mother.
"Well
madam, you must emancipate the bosom and bestow
upon your offspring the mothers milk he requires.
Disembark the melon and despatch the act of
nature that God intended" I said.
"What do
you mean?" she said.
"well why
don't you lob the winging brat on to one of your
flesh balloons and tell him to suck? - there's
plenty of supplies there by the looks of it - a
large tank" I said.
"Don't be
so vulgar" she said.
"No madam,
there's nothing distasteful about breast feeding
in public these days. Attitudes have changed -
its perfectly natural. Unleash the grapefruit
without hesitation and hook his snapper on to one
of your light switches" I said.
"Don't be
so disgusting" she said.
"Madam I'm
merely pointing out that a hungry infant should
not be deprieved of the nutrition it needs based
on society's taboos. Demonstrably satisfy the
recipient, unshackle the coconut and jam his
chopper on to one of your fleshy coat hangers.
Pump the stuff out like it's a dairy farm. Don't
worry about me - I'm a modern man, besides we
live in a different generation now. Stand up for
womanhood, rebel against the cafe protocol. Ask
yourself - what is more important? - providing a
snack for your kid, or the prevention of sixteen
customers who would vomit their meals all over
the ceiling at the sight of it?. If I had things
my way, every cafe in the world would abolish its
policy on breast feeding: six babies on each
nipple would make slurping sounds so loud you'd
have to bring a megaphone to order your food.
Rivers of unrestrained milk would flood the
streets - canoeists yelling "avoid the semi
skimmed rapids!".
"Ok you
vile man - have it your way" she said -
undoing her blouse.
"Hold on,
can't you wait until i finish my lasagne?" I
said.
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