Blown Out Of
Proportion
by Stephen Philip Druce
My wife and I
attended a sermon at our local church.
As we sat down
we noticed the vicar was abscent and a blow up
doll was propped up in his place.
My wife stared
at it for a while and said - "That's nice
isn't it?".
I replied -
"no I don't think it's nice. I don't think
it's nice at all. Not at all nice, not nice in
the slightest, not in the slightest nice, not at
all, no, not nice at all, not nice".
I said -
"not that i have any experience with dolls
of this nature you understand, but for a blow up
doll to represent the church appropriately - to
capture the congregation here and to not
depricate the quality of the service, it must
have make-up on, stockings and suspenders,
bracelets, three gaping unused holes and a sickly
smiley face. Wet wipes should be provided, along
with a puncture repair kit, an air pump, a
lingerie set, lube - a choice of flavours, and an
additional wig. It should also be waterproof, and
an instructional manual pamphlet should be
provided inside the box with a three year
guarantee. Not that I have any experience with
dolls of this nature you understand, but a
figurehead of the church should have a certain
allure - charisma, an aesthetic appeal. That is
possibly the cheapest, tackiest blow up doll I've
ever seen. It's made of rubber substitute and it
only has one hole - the ear. The user would have
to stuff his throbbing member into the ear drum
and through to the brain - causing it to go
completely mad. Consequently it would hump the
congregation and give them several sexual
diseases - infestations of pubic lice armies
would vandalise the church and eat all the bible
pages, sing football songs and vomit in the
baptism bowl - then where could we go on a Sunday
to listen to ancient fairy tales?. To answer your
question - no I don't think it's nice. I don't
think it's nice at all. Not at all nice, not nice
in the slightest, not in the slightest nice, not
at all, no, not nice at all, not nice".
My wife turned
to me and said - "I was being sarcastic".
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