Beginners Wine
Connoisseur Course
by Andy Foster
Lesson 1: How to
appear to be a wine connoisseur while ordering
the house wine in a restaurant
First, say to the wine
waiter, “I compliment you on your excellent
wine list. But do you know, after our last visit
here, I believe you have really excelled yourself,
with your choice for the house red. It most
closely reminds me of the bottle of 2010 Domaine
de la Romanée-Conti Grand Cru that my husband/wife
and I enjoyed at a small and exclusive Rive
Gauche café last spring.”
When the wine waiter has
poured a little of the house red into your glass,
lift the glass up to the light and look at it, as
though it’s telling you some deep vinous
secret, rather than just being a bit of cheap
plonk in a glass.
Then swirl it, sniff it
delicately, and praise the ‘aromatic notes’.
(Yes, those aromatic notes are still the aromatic
notes of cheap plonk, but no need to say that!)
Then take a sip of the wine,
pretend to savour it for a long moment, and then
compliment its complex velvety and silky flavour.
(No need to tie yourself up in knots by waxing
lyrical about notes of blackcurrant, rhubarb,
blue cheese, etc!)
Then put down your glass,
and appear to think for another long moment (you
can actually be thinking of anything you like
here; your favourite film, tomorrow’s
shopping list, the football results, or whatever).
And finally, glance at the
wine waiter, and give an almost imperceptible nod,
to indicate that the house red is most
satisfactory.
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