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A Totally Scientific Way to Determine Your Hogwarts House
by Grace Lu

1. Take the Sorting Hat Quiz on Pottermore.
Let the J.K. Rowling approved algorithm decide for you through your answers to totally relevant questions like, “Forest or River?”. Who knows, maybe Rowling will tell you your sexual orientation while you’re at it!

Just be sure not to delete and recreate your account to retake the quiz too many times or you'll get banned like me. 

One of the pros to this method is that you’ll be able to use another J.K. Rowling approved algorithm to discover your Patronus. Who knows, it could be a Stag just like Harry Potter! Or, if you’re like me, a Salmon, which totally isn’t embarrassing at all.

2. Write a long, overly personal Tumblr post begging for answers.
Publish a post on your Harry Potter fan account under the hashtags #HarryPotter #HogwartsHouse #help and hope the Sorting Hat (or a 12-year-old using their VPN to goof off on middle school WiFi) sympathizes with your desperation and diagnoses you.One of the pros to this method is that some Harry Potter fanfic author might read your post and include you as a character in their next fan-fiction! Actually, this one might be more of a con.

3. Choose a random house and go with it.
All it does is label your core values and dictate your entire Hogwarts experience! No pressure.

4. Show up at London King’s Cross, grab a cart, and run straight into the brick wall that is Platform 9 ¾.
Spend your time in London doing this super fun activity that totally isn’t a health hazard at all. If you’re successful, you’ll be able to board the Hogwarts Express, show up at Hogwarts, and yell, “Blimey! I nev-uh ruh-ceived moye lett-uh frum Og-warts!” If you’re too scared to give it a shot well, then, guess you aren’t a Gryffindor! 

If the platform doesn’t open up for you then Congratulations! You’re a muggle! Yes, your worst fear has been realized. At least it will be a cute photo-op for your Instagram.