Advice for Men
Over 60...
by Tom Schmidt
Yeah, getting
old sucks. I get it. I am facing it
myself. But you know what's worse that just
getting old? It's getting old and looking
like an out of touch jerk. That really
sucks.
So here are 8 tips on things men should avoid
when they are over 60 years of age...
1) Don't dye your
hair
Yes, women do it all the time at your age.
But society has a double standard. Men over
60 are supposed to look gray, women aren't.
Recently, I told my wife and daughter that I
"wanted to change my look". I
mentioned that I was thinking of shaving my
mustache (which I have had since I was 24) and
dying my hair blonde. Their reaction?
My wife immediately asked me "what is wrong
with your life?" while my daughter
complained that I "would not be daddy any
longer". Really? Just trust me
on this one, no one will accept the change in
appearance.
2) Don't try to
use popular slang
The slang you know comes from the 60s and 70s.
Use it and you look old. Try to use current
slang and you look foolish.
Don't try to tell young people that they look
"fleek" and for heaven's sake, just
avoid all text abbreviations. Many have
multiple meanings. I thought that LMAO
simply meant "laughing my ass off".
But no, it apparently can also mean "Let's
meet at the office" and for realtors, it can
mean "Let's make an offer".
It can even mean "Leave me alone, okay?".
Maybe that is why I simply can't follow
many texts that use these acronyms.
3) Don't wear
speedos
This one should be obvious. You are most
likely not the trim young man that you were at 24.
So don't try to pass off as one.
So who should wear speedos? Probably just
boys age 9 and younger....
4) Don't use
emoticons in emails
Just like Item #2 above, most emoticons can have
double meanings. And trying to explain
their use by saying "geez, I just like
fruits and vegetables" will make you look
dumb.
And while we are at it, avoid all hand gestures.
Trust me, at some point in time the gesture you
thought was innocent will be interpreted as being
potentially vulgar. Especially by people
living in another country.
5) Avoid wearing
leather pants
One of my favorite rock groups of all time is the
Canadian band "Loverboy". The
band popularize leather pants back in the 1980s.
But the lead singer still tries to wear that type
of pants in concerts today and he looks
ridiculous.
Santa doesn't wear leather pants. Follow
Santa's lead on this one.
6) Keep your hair
short
The ponytail you sported back in the day no
longer looks cool. Even aging rock stars
realize this and cut their hair shorter. So
unless you happen to be Jason Momoa or maybe
Willie Nelson, just cut your hair.
7) Don't brag
about meeting famous people
All the famous people you have met back in the
day are really old now. No young people
will be impressed that you have Shaun Cassidy's
autograph from a concert back in 1978.
Shaun who???
8) Avoid all
"X-Sports"
Yes, they are cool. But you are well passed
the age for participating in BASE jumping, cave
diving or motocross. Plus, you will look
really silly doing skydiving with a young
professional strapped to you so that he can make
sure you pull the rip core for the parachute.
The above simple advice should be easy to follow.
So excuse me now while I book my next Extreme
Bingo Cruise. Hopefully, they will also
have a jello shot, karaoke night with a
performance by K.C. and the Sunshine Band !!
'Cause I am gonna "Shake, shake, shake.
Shake, shake, shake. Shake my booty....."
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