The Story of
Alphonse
by Kell Inkston
Once upon a
time, there was a young man named Alphonse. He
quite much loved his work, as he was a simple boy
and lived purely on the land with his father. One
day, when he became 18, his father said “Take
this coming of age story catalyst to help the
plot move along. Be sure to be nice to all the
creatures of the forest as you travel to the
village to sell your ‘cow’, because
they definitely have the human intelligence to
pay you back.”
And so
Alphonse turned away and went down the road with
the calf, eager to see what the world has to
offer.
Soon enough he
saw his first animal needing kindness, a small
earthworm caught in the sun after a rain. He
reached down and after a small struggle with the
tiny creature, took it to a nearby pond, where it
was eaten by a fish shortly after. Hans wept for
the poor worm, and moved on.
It was not
long after that time that he met a small blue
bird with a broken wing. He picked it up despite
its incessant chirping, and placed it mistakenly
in the nest of a falcon. It died too.
After that, he
had reached the town and was arrested by the
people because everyone knew he was in the middle
of a coming of age narrative, and no one wanted
that. They threw him in the dungeon, and Alphonse
knew no one would help him, because both the worm
and the bird had died because of what he had done.
He had expected no help, but then, opening the
door to the dungeon to get another prisoner was
the Spanish Inquisition. Hans smiled, realizing
that sometimes help can come from the most
unlikely places.
“Hello,”
Alphonse said, “Catholics are nerds.”
The
inquisitors didn’t much like that, and they
pulled him from the prison, and took him to the
gallows. His plan had backfired, and Hans was
sure to meet his doom, but then Barbarians from
the north attacked, and he was freed to spite the
fleeing inquisitors. The barbarians did take his
cow though.
Alphonse
rushed right back home to tell his father all
that happened.
“Welcome
home, son. What is it that you have learned?”
“I
learned that animals are too stupid to be helped
and that offending people is the only way to get
by in the world, father. I’m going to become
a yes man for the biggest, most corrupt company I
can find.” And then Alphonse ran away. But
now it was night, and he did not see the giant
hole filled enormous spikes made out of salt. He
died terribly. The end.
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