Thespian
by Doug Hawley
To clarify,
this is not about a lisping lesbian, not that
there’s anything wrong with that.
My first
acting role was as Santa Claus in a grade school
production. Because we had no theatre
department, I was chosen for the lead because I
finished my homework quickly. The “plot”
was a trip around the globe showing how different
countries celebrated Christmas. My one
mistake was going to the countries out of order,
but recovered with aplomb by blaming the reindeer. Oddly,
no talent scout offered me a big studio contract.
My second role
came about by an odd sequence of events. I was
giving my friend Gary a ride to his starring part
in a Portland Parks production of “Little
Abner”. The director spotted another
friend, the handsome Kim, and I, and said “Scraggs”
(relatives of the beauteous Daisy Mae). The comic
strip / movie / Broadway Scraggs were known to be
lazy and ugly, so in my case it was type casting.
Our song was “If I Had My Druthers”,
which was OK because it didn’t require the
ability to sing, which neither of us had. I got
some praise as one of the handsome, muscular
topless Dogpatch boys after drinking Yokumberry
Tonic. Remembering the good parts is a good thing.
Afterwards, the show was televised on local TV,
which confirmed my lack of singing ability (this
partly inspired “Nose” which is in
Short Humour and Literally Stories).
When we moved
to Marin California after leaving a job that I
hated, I became a decent docent at China Camp,
which involved storytelling about a Chinese
shrimping settlement. It is a fascinating story
involving history, culture and business, but not
too funny.
I became a
programmer and seller of actuarial software,
which was quite a leap in that I couldn’t
program or sell, but at least it gave me
something to do beyond being a house husband. For
several years I worked on advertising and running
booths at industry meetings for my software, and
if that isn’t show biz, I don’t know
what is.
When Windows
replaced DOS, I was unwilling or unable to revise
the programs, and thought that we had enough
money to retire.
Now I “act”
indirectly (my lovely and talented editor thought
that “at one remove” was too obscure). My
alter ego, Duke Hanley gets to do the things that
I’m too smart, too incompetent, or too
fearful to do in many of the stories that I write.
Short
bio - As indicated, the author plays a writer on
the internet (and sometimes in print). This
story is a continuing series of vignettes (or as
they are known, "lies") which can
be shown at his memorial (not this week I hope).
Proof
that he is an author, here is more, some of which
are still available: https://sites.google.com/site/aberrantword/ .
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