The Marital
Dialogues Act 1
by Doug Hawley
Duke puts
towel over face with just tightey whiteys on “How
old am I now?”
Sally “About 45.”
Duke “But I’ve got a body of a twenty
year old.”
Sally “I know, you keep it in the
refrigerator for midnight snacks. Sarcastic “You
know I never get tired of that Jeffrey Dahmer
memorial humor.”
Duke takes towel off face “How
old am I now?”
Sally “About 75.”
Duke “Isn’t there a rule that you can’t
estimate older than I am?”
Sally “If you don’t want to know, don’t
ask. Anyhow, how much do you
think that scruffy beard ages you? Get
rid of it and you will shave years off your age.”
Duke “Funny. But the beard goes
so well with my arthritis and blood pressure. I’ve
embraced my little old man.”
Sally “I notice that you are now 5’5”
on your driver’s license. Didn’t
you used to be 5’6”? ”
Duke “Right, well the difference is 1”
lying and 1” shrinkage.”
Sally “I understand the shrinkage as men age.”
Duke “Along the lines of shrinkage, aren’t
I supposed to weigh 30 pounds more than you?”
Sally Silence
Duke “You’re getting your haircut again? Are
you shooting for shorter than me?”
Sally “How many times must I tell you, it’s
easier to take care of and looks better on me at
my age.”
Duke “If short hair is good for your age,
why do all of the old women with hair your length
look old?”
Sally “First, they look old because they ARE
old. Secondly, when my hair was longer,
I had it up so it didn’t look long anyhow.”
Duke “Donna looks great in her very gray
ponytail.”
Sally “Your girlfriend Donna
is a LITTLE younger than me and she would look
good shaved bald.”
Duke “She’s not my girlfriend, but she
is hot in overalls.”
Sally “Forget ponytails, and if you want to
make sure my hair is longer than yours, get a
haircut.”
Duke “You got on the computer while I was
gone for 5 minutes.”
Sally “I’ll just be on for five minutes.”
Fifteen minutes later. Sally
“I’m almost done. I found
some things I needed to reply to.”
Another fifteen minutes later. Sally
“I’m done now.”
Three hours later. Duke
“I’m done. Anything you want
to check?”
Duke “You said that no one else would ever
want me. Just look at this personal.
‘SSBBW will take on anyone who has 8 inche$
with Molly’.“
Sally “Duke, do you know what that means?”
Duke “Like I said, she wants me and some
woman named Molly for a three way.”
Sally “You are so deluded. You
are short about 3”, Molly is a form of the
drug Ecstasy, and the $ sign means it will cost
you. What do you think that SSBBW
means?”
Duke “Super sexy blonde bombshell wench?”
Sally “It means super super big beautiful
woman, who the Bureau Of Weights And Standards
has defined as 325 – 450 pounds.
Duke “OK, that isn’t as good a deal as
I thought.”
Sally “Let me see the M4F personals. Oh,
they are 200 times as many as the F4M listings. Looks
like I have a clear advantage. Here’s
one with a picture. Look how big he is
compared to that coke can.”
Duke “Now it’s my turn to give YOU the
bad news. That novelty soda can is
only three inches high.”
Sally “Which cartoon did we resemble today,
Pickles or Grand Avenue?”
Duke “I’ll go with Pickles. I
think that it was either wrinkles or memory
related, I don’t know which.”
An hour down the road. Duke
“Did you remember the camera?”
Sally “It was in my hand before I went to
the bathroom and why are you asking me now?”
After another fifteen minutes. Duke
“See how he brakes every time he comes to a
curve or a slight downhill. Can’t
they shift? Does the slightest curve
or downhill mean going 10 miles per hour?”
After another ten minutes. Duke “Why
was he in such a hurry to turn in front of me if
he wanted to go ten miles under the speed limit.”
After another twenty minutes. Duke
“Another @#%& flagger.”
Sally “Maybe I should have driven.”
Sally “Did you know that Judy is a felon?”
Duke “What about a moody watermelon?”
Sally “Would you please turn down the music,
look at me, put in your hearing aids and be
thirty years younger.”
Duke “Was that louder or quieter on the
music?”
Sally “Duke, be careful, don’t break
your wrist.”
Duke “Whose wrist do you want me to break?”
Duke has been driving for a hundred miles and
has not said anything. Sally
“How are you doing?”
Duke pauses and seems to come alive. Duke
“WHAT?” as if just waking up.
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