The Last Stand
of David Gopher-Bonk
by Gracjan
Kraszewski
Deep, deep,
deep, deep into the forest he traveled, a man who
considered Don Quixote to be the world’s
first self-help book. David would often
thumb through his copy’s well-worn pages,
skimming over his myriad annotations, written in
green ink, looking for the seeds of his personal
mission.
He had found
it. He was now well on his way. Still further
into the forest he went until he reached an open
clearing. The time was nigh. You see, David was a
scientist and a rational man with but one soft
spot: for El Príncipe de los Ingenios.
Numbers laid all mysteries bare. That’s why
he had, over the course of only forty-five years,
developed 62,229 algorithms for every possible
life situation, each one unique, each one
perfectly effective.
Well, “perfection”
and “effectiveness” are relative things.
And people did ridicule him, a lot—for never
having won a second date, for not having attained
his high school diploma, and especially because
he was seven foot nine and couldn’t dunk a
basketball. (Expletive deleted) them, David
thought. Literally. He refused to use profanity.
Instead he substituted (expletive deleted) each
time. When he wasn’t allowed to dine in a Keebler
Elf themed restaurant because of his height,
David snapped: “(Expletive deleted) you! And
this whole (expletive deleted) place, piece of (expletive
deleted) (expletive deleted)!” It was quite
exhausting, to tell the truth. But returning to
the story, to how David arrived at the open
clearing in the middle of the forest.
The reason was
his sixty-second thousandth, two hundred and
twenty-ninth algorithm; his final algorithm. His
masterpiece. Because remember, David was a
scientist and a rational man.
All his
calculations pointed to one indisputable
conclusion, presented in five steps.
1. Import as many
Minnesota gophers as possible to his home in
Montana.
2. Tell the animals, en
masse, that they were about to embark on a
journey.
3. Change his last name
from Fredericks to Gopher-Bonk (so they would
accept him as their leader; “Bonk” is
the literal translation of leader in their
language).
4. Lead this army into an
open clearing in the middle of a wood.
Now the past
and present have met. David, surrounded by his
charges, readied to carry out the fifth step.
Step five: the last stand of David Gopher-Bonk.
What is the
last stand of David Gopher-Bonk? I have no idea.
A guy ran off into the forest with a bunch of
animals he claimed could understand him…do
we need a professional medical opinion? No. Let’s
just be happy we all can enjoy this really
peculiar story. Cheers, the drinks are on me.
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