Space Force vs.
Space Squids
by Doug Hawley
“Mr.
President, we have our first action taken by
Space Force.”
“Jenkins, I told you to call me ‘Your
Excellency, Emperor For Life’. I
knew that the 200 billion dollars start up cost
for Space Force was well worth it. Have
Space Force Commander Hanley come in to brief me.”
“Yes sir.”
POTUS pointed at Jenkins, frowned and said “One
more thing. You’re fired”
while spraying spittle.
“Thank God, I won’t have to lie about
what I do for a living anymore.”
Hanley walked to the front of the gold plated
POTUS desk. “Your Excellency,
Emperor For Life, have you read our report of our
encounter with aliens?”
“Hanley, you know that I don’t read. Just
tell me what happened.”
“Our ship, Donald 1, was between Neptune and
Pluto..”
POTUS interrupts “Of course Pluto isn’t
a real planet. You have to be big like
me to be real. I’m a big strong
guy.”
Hanley is used to these interruptions and
continues “when we encountered a small
spaceship of alien configuration. We
were pleased that they responded to our English
message to them in good English. We
didn’t talk long enough to find out how they
knew English.”
“Here is the transcript:”
“This is the US Space Force. Halt
where you are. You are entering US
territory. We are prepared to blast
you from the sky if you proceed towards earth.”
“We need to see your leader on important
business Space Farce.”
“His Excellency, Emperor For Life, does not
meet with aliens and the proper name is Space
Force.”
“Whatever, but we have brought gifts from
afar on our home planet Xan.”
“I’ve never heard of Xan and I think
that you are lying to me. Do you have
a visa?”
“Stupid untranslatable humans. But
what of our gifts of precious metal for your
leader and the finest Xanian clothes for his many
concubines?”
“Do you have any idea what the tariff is on
interstellar good?”
Alien to its crew “Well it looks like we
came a lot of light years just to get sent away
by some untranslatable. Mark my
words, they’ll be sorry.”
“You Excellency, Emperor For Life, at that
point they turned around at warp speed.”
POTUS after awaking from a short nap “It
sounds like you did the right thing upholding my
rigid dislike of aliens, from inside or outside
this solar system.”
“We learned more. We were able to
get them up on our five hundred million dollar
cost plus contract viewing screen which was
delivered after only five missed deadlines. They
were purple with six legs, two hands and a head
which was encircled by eleven tentacles. The
tentacles waved continuously. We may be
wrong, but they appeared to have two penises if
male, and three vaginas if female. Our
crew spent a lot of time while coming back trying
to decide how that works. For some
reason, their leader kept swinging an odd stick
while we talked.”
At the last sentence, POTUS became instantly
alert, spilling his Big Mac and Coke in the
process. “Where did you say they
came from?”
“Xan.”
POTUS looked around for the TV cameras and then
remembered where he was. “You
idiots. You should have told me. I
wanted to trade them a POTUS brand golf course
for the secret of faster than light travel, and
you blew it. You’re fired.”
Appeared
in Synchronized Chaos by accident (I only meant
to submit “Brave Newt World").
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