Son Of Simon
by Doug Hawley
“Chief,
we got the guy that had the whole city on edge,
people afraid to leave home.”
“You mean the Restaurant Terrorist? Great
work Sally.”
“Yes, the one who left batteries on
restaurant tables all over town, scrambled the
silverware, filled the sugar bowls with salt, and
turned plates upside down, the fiend. The
batteries spilled acid on some of the tables and
ate all the way through. We not only
caught him in the act, but he had a hundred
pounds of salt in his trunk and two hundred
batteries. AA batteries for tables
with two seats, D batteries for three to six and
car batteries for family style. The
terrorist is Duke Hanley, an actuary at Federal
Union.”
“So guaranteed conviction?”
“Almost. He claims that Son Of
Simon told him to do it. We thought
that he might have been shooting for an insanity
plea, but I don’t think that he will get
away with it.”
“Why not, Sally?”
“Son of Simon said he never told Duke to do
any of those things.”
“Who is Son Of Simon?”
“His cat, Chief. Son Of Simon
says Duke is lying.”
“Is this some kind of game?”
“No Chief, I’m just telling you what S
O S, as we call him, said. According
to him, he just requested Duke buy Rat Nuggets
cat food, the best in the world.”
“Wait a minute Sally; I think that I’ve
heard of S O S. Isn’t he an
influencer for the makers of Rat Nuggets? My
husband loves his You Tube channel.”
“Just to tighten this up Sally, could you
get anyone to corroborate S O S?”
“I did Chief. Both Elmer and
Jocelyn backed him up.”
“Who are they?”
“Elmer is the goldfish and Jocelyn is the
parrot that lives with Hanley and S O
S. They both say S O S never requested
anything from Duke but Rat Nuggets, and Greg says
both are completely honest.”
“Tell me Sally, who might the character
witness Greg be?”
“He’s the dog and the whole
neighborhood says that he is a good boy.”
“You got the guy that committed a salt and
battery fifty times around our fair city. Now
that this is wrapped up, we need a special treat. Let’s
call up our spouses and go out for the biggest
double bacon cheeseburgers with the cheapest beer
we can find to celebrate.”
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