Prime
by Doug Hawley
1
Interviewer: Welcome to the
most significant television show ever. I know
that it sounds like hyperbole, but this is the
first ever interview with our closest relative,
sometimes know as a Yeti or abominable snowman.
Because of the worldwide interest, the show is
being simulcast around the world in English with
translations into every major language with
additional showings delayed for prime time
viewing. DVDs will be available within a week of
the broadcast. There will be minimal commercial
interruptions.
The first order of business is to introduce our
guest on my left. What would you like to be
called?
Dook: A close approximation to my name in human
languages would be Dook.
Interviewer: We have so much to learn about you,
but why can you speak English?
Dook: We picked it up from newspapers, radio and
television programs which are occasionally in
English and from what we call the retrogrades.
Interviewer: It sounds like you must be quick
learners. The retrogrades sound interesting, but
if you don’t mind, I’ll get back to
them later. I’ve got so many questions.
Legend would have you seven or eight feet tall,
but you only appear to be about four and half
feet tall, or as non-Americans would say, less
than a meter and a half.
Dook: That’s mostly because the people that
saw us exaggerated madly. I don’t think
anyone would claim to be scared by a white furry
hobbit.
Interviewer: At least the legends are right about
the white fur. I suppose that it helps you live
in the cold environment north of India.
Dook: That’s part of it. Do you want the
full story?
Interviewer: Absolutely. Our worldwide audience
would love all of the details.
Dook: A few thousand years ago, what you call the
yeti, and we call Angwin, or superiors in our
language, diverged from homo sapiens. As we
evolved to suit our environment, our blood
changed to adapt to the altitude. The reason that
we are doing this in Nepal is that we Angwin can’t
thrive in lower altitudes.
Physically, we got smaller with lower metabolism
in order to survive on available food sources.
Our pelts are much like otters in its insulation.
We are usually awake only a few hours a day to
conserve energy.
Given our difficult environment, we had to get
smarter to survive. We developed edible fungi
that thrive in our homes in tunnels and caves. I
will confess that I personally am not a purist. I’ve
been known to steal food from villages, and grab
things left behind by trekkers – they are so
wasteful. We are largely vegetarian, but in a
pinch …
Interviewer: Your answer invites so many more
questions. You seem to imply that you have
evolved to be superior to humans.
Dook: That should be self evident. We live in
harmony, don’t pollute and keep our
population at a sustainable level.
Interviewer: Relative to your population, I think
that our viewers would like to know about your
romantic life.
Dook: Put another way, the drooling viewing
perverts want to know about our sex lives. I’ve
seen you glancing at the bulge in my shorts that
your producer forced me to wear. I even got
unwanted help putting them on from that very
handsy producer. Yes, I’m very much a male.
The secondary sexual characteristics of our
females are such that no enhancement is necessary,
if you catch my drift. Our sex lives are frequent
and inventive. Our flexibility permits acts
unimaginable in humans. Just thinking about it
makes my shorts tighter yet. Better yet, the
female easily times births without any artificial
methods. In that way, we keep our population
stable.
Interviewer: I’m unconvinced about your
superiority at this point, but let’s talk
about the retrogrades that you mentioned earlier.
Dook: The retrograde story should also convince
you of our superiority. Given our relation to
humans, every once in awhile, we give birth to an
Angwin that appears human, but has an Angwin
brain. They act as our emissaries to the
unknowing world outside, keeping us up to date on
events. Sometimes they just migrate to local
villages, and sometimes they travel afar. In fact
some of the villagers know our secret but they
have either been discreet, or dismissed as
superstitious fools. Many of our retrogrades have
been big successes in the world at large. A good
example is a retrograde that was huge in
scientific circles in Switzerland and then the US
in the early twentieth century. His equation is
known the world around, and improved on the
knowledge of a mere human. An unfortunate example
of ours was a very rich man in the US who went
into politics, but at least he succeeded. Our
take is that he was corrupted by long exposure to
human society.
Interviewer: Is the North American bigfoot or
sasquatch related to you?
Dook: We frankly believe that the bigfoot stories
are myths, despite the widely circulated photo of
Doug Hawley with a purported bigfoot in Oregon.
Interviewer: One last question for what I hope
that will be one of many interviews. Why are you
talking to us now after previously being so shy?
Dook: It may be a vain hope, but we are hoping to
halt an encroaching human population. We don’t
want to be overrun or exploited. Our hope is to
form a coalition of nations that will allow us a
homeland, something like Israel, but without the
continuous conflict.
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