Iron Age Warrior
Remains Unearthed in Bexhill
by Nathan Cromwell
Burg, an Iron
Age warrior who died millennia ago in what is now
modern-day Bexhill-on-Sea, remains to be
unearthed. In spite of a buried power line two
yards from his feet and the recent backhoe
activity for the new Sainsbury’s, he lies
where he fell that fateful afternoon, struck down
by an axe, a spear, and, in a show of poor
sportsmanship, a foot to the cobblers.
"They
found those adulterous bastards Snuk and Gool,
but no, not me," grumbled the osseous little
whiner. That twosome, Burg's former 'mate' and
her new beau after Burg’s timely demise,
were discovered three years ago by a teen burying
a time capsule filled with evidence of her angst-riddled
life in order to prove to future generations how
unfair her mom was being. The pair are on display
at the Exploratorium at the Bexhill Megaplex. The
Iron Age couple are, that is, and not the teen
and her mom, though you can be pretty sure on any
given day to see the girl sulking in the tattoo
parlor beside the chemist’s where her
boyfriend works inking boobs legally old enough,
and the mom is usually parked in the pub across
the hall smiling through her buzz at her daughter’s
face as the older women flirt with the boyfriend.
It’s a pretty seedy mall, truth be told.
"It's a
shame--I'm so well preserved," Burg
continued. "And I'm way cooler: I've
got a spear lodged right under my left cranial
arch and exiting near my dorsal fin. I've also
got a bone from an index finger impaled on my
right dewclaw. People would love to see that, not
two losers who ate the wrong berries."
Scientists say
no plans are afoot to discover and disinter Burg,
who more and more sounds less and less like a
warrior and more like some sort of extinct and
delusional pet.
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