Hiking Etiquette,
Glossary And Wisdom
by Doug Hawley
Affirmation
– Are we here yet? The answer is always
yes.
Are we there yet? – If said subject to
capital punishment.
Bleeding – Probably not fatal unless in
pints.
Bonus – To leader for bringing back more
hikers than taken out.
Boots – Wear them.
Cell phone – Don’t depend on. Useful in
emergencies and to irritate other hikers.
Cheryl Strayed / Wild Rules:
Try out your boots for a few miles, before a
thousand mile hike.
Try out your pack for a few miles before a
thousand mile hike.
Cliffs – Where you find out if you have any
serious enemies.
Clothes – Take clothes for all possible
weather. Layers good. In good weather,
flaunt it if you’ve got it.
Falls – Try to avoid, but you won’t.
Practice tuck and roll at home after moving all
breakables.
Feet – Something that hurts.
Five Mile Hike – The new ten mile hike.
Flower Identification – They are smaller
than trees.
Gaiters – Misspelling of gators.
Gatorade – Bring for your gators.
Good Hike – Nobody dies.
GPS – If your group has one, you will know
exactly where you are. If you have more than
one, you will have no idea.
High heeled sneakers – Good song, bad for
hiking.
Knife edge – terrain where I won’t be
found.
Leader talk:
We are almost at lunch – Means we aren’t.
It is just around the bend – And 20 others.
There is no uphill after lunch – There is.
The steam crossings were easy when I scouted
– They aren’t now.
It is a five mile level hike – It could be
Mountain – Something that you can fall off
screaming to your death.
Nature – Our enemy. It blocks views,
sends coyotes and raccoons into our backyards and
slugs into our gardens. We must win the
battle against nature at all cost.
Poles or walking sticks – Equipment used to
ensure that the face is broken rather than wrists
when one falls or for stabbing the hiker behind. Rule
of the trail – the hiker behind is at fault.
Poison Oak – Leaves of three, let me be. Definitely,
do not use as toilet paper.
Potty Stop Men – Where men trade five years
of life for speedier peeing (at least until the
prostate acts up). Prowess is judged by a
jury of their pee-ers.
Potty Stop Women – It is a mystery.
Rain – Get used to it.
Rocky Road – An ice cream flavor, or a route
that is hard on the feet.
Scrambles – Hands in use. Watch out
for the hiker in front rolling down on top of you.
Shrinkage – Happens to guys in cold streams.
Hike leaders allowed to lose up to 10% of hikers
before being penalized.
Ticks – An excuse to get naked and have
someone inspect you. You could get lucky in
more ways than one.
Toenails – Trim them to prevent downhill
pain. To be safe, have them surgically
removed.
Trail – Note similarity in spelling to trial.
Stay on it.
Tree Identification – You guessed it. They
are bigger than flowers.
Volcanic Eruption – Avoid.
Walkie-Talkies – Great devices for
communicating on group hikes, which perform
perfectly until you need them in an emergency.
Water – Bring lots. Drink same.
Weather – Will not be what you expected.
Wildlife – At our age after a ten mile hike?
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