Final Projects[1]
by Gracjan
Kraszewski
A
SAMPLING OF FINAL PROJECTS COMPLETED BY STUDENTS
of
East Southwestern South Northeastern West North
American University A & L[2]
“Beer Me a Butler.”
Juan “Tecate” Reyes. Squeeze the beer’s
midsection for twenty seconds and the top pops
off. Pop top poppity pop! Profit: Patent
sold to All-American Stars & Stripes Piss off
Europe Beer Co. for $30,000,000.
“Dog Poop Catapult.”
Yates Davis. A harness is hooked up to your pooch’s
hind legs. The dog answers nature’s call and
the launch pad activates, sending the disposable
waste airborne. Biodegradable Naturalist Society
11-star GOLD rating. Comes in your choice of
color: Acajou, Arylide Yellow, Atomic Tangerine,
Big Dip O’ruby, Eton Blue, Heliotrope
Magenta, Pale Cerulean, Paolo Veronese Green,
Phlox, Smalt, Tractor Red and Gamboge Orange.
Profit: $76,088.
“Rocketman Everyman.”
Stephan Turnighter. Dump our packet (***WARNING:
HIGHLY COMBUSTIBLE***) of blue stardust onto any
object. Toss on a lit match and take cover!
Projectile can reach 15,000 feet altitude, by
which we mean “within FAA regulations.”
Post launch materials > 620° C. Profit: $44.80.
“Infant Translator.”
Katherine Smofolexx. Can’t understand your
little one? Ever seen a ski-mask? Place this
device over your infant’s face and marvel as
every malformed half-word is metamorphosized into
the clear intonations of a 25 yr. old female from
the American Heartland. Profit: N/A.
“Fake I.D.’s R US.”
Kyler Lowman. We replicate any type of
identification—driver’s licenses,
government credentials, passports—with few
exceptions[3]. Non-refundable 700 USD and non-disclosure
agreement required. Profit: $54,200.06.
“Blue Pill no Blues.”
Michelle Cobb. Is that darned existential crisis
stalking you again? Talk to your doctor about
Instanteuphorianta™.[4] This 12x daily 1500 mg. pill will
blow your mind.[5] Most patients reported
intense surges of merrymaking sometime within the
first four hundred days of regular use. Because
when it comes to your mood, why go around feeling
like your pet just got backed over by a semi just
after having dynamite strapped to its back and
the fuse lit and the exploding and the crunching
happened simultaneously? (Note: marketed as Blues
Bee-Gone, TV commercials feature a couple
frolicking through the woods with bees buzzing
round and upbeat, indy electronic folk music
playing in the background). Profit: $1,455,226.19.
~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~
[1] An excerpt from the absurdist novel,
Job Search.
[2] ESSNWNAU-AL; pronounced “ESS-Wall.”
Motto: “If it can sell, it’ll do
well, by us, to get people to buy us, and it, in
the U.S.”
[3] The embedding process works poorly
with extremely white people. The smudged
holographic result is termed “Caspering the
pooch.”
[4] Instanteuphorianta™ is not
FDA approved. Side effects include nausea, mild
vertigo, severe olfactory distress, intense
vomiting and diarrhea, auto-catalyzed frostbite
and a condition where a person imagines their
right arm is another person and that person is
trying to kill them. “See your medical
professional today and start living life on your
terms again ©.”
[5] Metaphorically, Q.v. “you will
be impressed.” Nonetheless, we must
report that four subjects—rats—had
their brains literally explode out of their heads
during trial runs.
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