Excuses
by Lily Murphy
The invention
of an excuse is an art form. It is carefully
crafted early in the life of an individual,
beginning with school.
During those
school years when if nothing else is achieved by
way of an education, the art of making up an
excuse is an education in itself, one which is a
formidable life skill.
Was homework
not done? Well you used an excuse.
You were late
for school? Well you used an excuse.
How could you
explain to your mother you were sent to detention
for throwing peas into the science teacher’s
hair? Well you used an excuse!
Yes school is
the perfect foundation for moulding one of life’s
most important skills: Making up an excuse.
The weather is
a darling for excuse making, sometimes.
Rain and most
notably snow are the greatest and most over used
subjects in regards to creating an excuse to
dodge school or work.
On rotten
Winter days when the rain is just being a bastard
and the wind is so cold even the snot up your
nose has frozen, it is much better to stay in the
warmth of your bed. The following day just write
a note to the teacher or boss outlining that due
to a flood not seen since Noah’s time you
were unable to go to school as you are not a very
good swimmer.
Death is also
a great escape. I remember in school I went
through a shit load of funerals. In one year
alone I had the traumatic experience of attending
twenty four funerals of a whole host of relatives
while my grandfather had the bizarre conundrum of
being buried seven times.
On the seventh
time I used the excuse of a dead grandfather to
get out of school early, the teacher who was
getting more and more suspicious of the high
death rate in my family asked was this the same
grandfather that was buried last week and the
week before that. I answered somewhat truthfully.
‘Yes he
is the same grandfather who died last week and
the week before that, in fact he just wont die
but I have a good feeling today that when we bury
him, the fucker might just stay in the ground!’
Needless to
say that was the last time I used the death of a
relative as an excuse to get out of school.
Into adulthood
the art of making an excuse should be by then
well crafted as demonstrated by a guy I knew in
college.
He failed to
show up to an important class on European history
one day and so he emailed the lecturer the
following:
“I can’t
come into college today because the cows are
calving.”
Genius I
thought, for a city dweller. I asked him the next
day did the excuse work.
‘Oh yeah
it worked like a charm, I got an extension on my
essay but…….what I haven’t a clue
what calving means!’
When the world
of work beckons, the excuses need to be more
sharply crafted and defined. In some cases I have
come across, it seems that some excuses have been
so severely worn out that they no longer exist as
believable excuses. The only way to get around
that scenario is to adapt the lack of lust for
work to the modern age and one good excuse to use
is the working from home excuse. All it entails
is to get up at nine and send out a few emails,
go back to bed, and get up at three just to send
out a few more emails just to make it look like
you were working all day from home.
Confusing days
is also a gem of an excuse to use. Such as the
reason why someone failed to show up to work on a
Monday was because they were convinced it was
Sunday. Yes I knew someone who really used that
excuse and by Christ it worked! But as new trends
appear in the art of excuse making, old excuses,
although used and abused so much, are still
relevant in contemporary work dodging.
Sexism plays
its part in preventing some folk from using some
great excuses such as an old friend who text me
one day looking for a good excuse to use so he
could skip work in order to spend the day at home
watching the Ryder cup on TV.
He asked me
for an excuse that never fails and I being hung
over that day and not thinking straight simply
text back telling him to tell his boss that he
has period pains.
It is an
excuse that never fails, well for the female of
the species anyway. So my poor friend rang into
work and he told his boss he had period pains.
The boss didn’t believe him of course.
Then again
that same chap rang into work on another occasion
to tell his boss he wasn’t able to go into
work as he was locked inside his house. When I
heard this I went over to his place to rescue him.
He was locked inside his house alright, locked
drunk with an array of empty Bud cans surrounding
him on the couch.
Using excuses
with friends is a much more tedious task than
using excuses with figures of authority.
One time I
tried using an excuse when I kept my friend
waiting for me at a city centre restaurant. I was
running late because I decided to watch a really
funny episode of Jerry Springer, one entitled I
am happy I cut off my legs!
So anyway when
I got there my friend didn’t look pleased.
‘What the fuck kept you?’
I replied that
my car broke down.
‘But you
don’t have a car!’
I informed her
that yes I did have a car……..years ago.
When my friend asked what happened it I snapped
back. ‘I thought I told you already! It
broke down!’
Making excuses
can be fun and can be dangerous but by hell
making an excuse and using an excuse so wisely is
as easy as shooting a fly with a shot gun.
As a full time
member of the union of work-shy elements I tend
to use excuses by the truck load. I use excuses
so much that sometimes when I conjure up excuses
to avoid certain duties I get the feeling that
who I am telling the excuses to do not believe
half the lies I am telling them!
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